Isn’t it Time My Boyfriend Recovered from His Divorce?

Reader’s Question

My boyfriend married his high school sweetheart. They had a daughter. Although he could not see it, there were problems in the marriage. When the daughter was in her senior year of high school his wife moved out, divorced him and has since remarried. She is a very sweet woman. She is very happy with her new husband of approximately 5 or 6 years now. She and their daughter get along perfectly. Their daughter likes her new step dad. Now…here’s where the problems start. My boyfriend does not want to talk about his ex. He does not want her name brought up — not by his daughter, me, his mother…no one. We all respect that. But at times it feels like we’re sheltering a little boy from getting his feelings hurt.

It is very frustrating for their daughter. Mother and daughter both work at the same dentist office, which my boyfriend still goes to. His daughter has to arrange it so her mom and dad do not see each other. It’s all so frustrating.

Now, my ex husband and I get along just fine and my boyfriend can’t get over this. He thinks it is absolutely absurd.

We’ve dated for three years and he has only on very rare occasion told me that he loves me. He tells me that I want everything too fast. I understand that he was hurt, but my gosh…don’t you think it’s time he gets over it? It’s not like I want him to marry me or even move in with me. I just want him to tell me he loves me. He’s fine with sex…and I suppose he’s fine with whatever this ‘commitment’ we have is…but I’m not.

I personally think he’s never got over his high school love/his ex wife. Quite frankly I don’t think he will ever be able to move on, because I don’t think he will ever be over her. Am I on the right track of thinking??? That’s really what I need to know.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I think you are on the right track here, with one exception. I doubt that the main issue is related to his inability to “get over” his high school love and ex-wife. From your description, your boyfriend seems selfish and immature. Individuals who are selfish and immature act as you describe when they have their “narcissistic pride” hurt. They are offended and outraged that they were dumped, rejected, or divorced. From that point on, they feel entitled to continue to punish the other party, the ex-wife in this case, and create a variety of attention-seeking, humiliating, and dramatic situations related to the incident. Your impression of sheltering a “little boy” is exactly correct.

As healthy divorced adults do, you have a working arrangement with your ex-husband. Even when such a relationship isn’t possible, parents try to make their children comfortable — but not your boyfriend! He demands the special attention and drama, requiring the entire dentist office to cater to his continued post-divorce misery, as though proudly showing his emotional wounds to everyone in the dentist office to humilate his ex-wife. Sadly, it doesn’t bother him that the situation places his daughter in an uncomfortable position. Most mature adults would simply go to another dentist! While he may have been emotionally hurt by the divorce, he has made the selfish decision to continue making his ex-wife, his daughter, and even you uncomfortable.

In reality, the problems you are having in the relationship with your boyfriend are not due to his inability to recover from his divorce. It’s him. His immaturity will give your relationship trouble — not his ex-wife or divorce. He’s showing some traits we find in personality disorders and reading my introduction to personality disorders on this website should help you understand his behaviors and attitudes.

In such situations, I often recommend placing the relationship on a secret probation, perhaps four months. During those months, work hard to make the relationship meet your needs as well. If his pattern of behavior continues, then “what you see is what you get”. Your boyfriend may not have the maturity and concern for others needed to make a long-term healthy relationship. If that’s the case, you’ll need to consider moving on or continue to live at this level for years to come.