Concerned About Terms Like Boyfriend and Girlfriend

Reader’s Question

I am dating this girl right now, and she has a hard time understating why I hate using the term “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.” Basically I’ve told her that I feel it is a sophomoric term and highly overused, but she feels as though I’m overthinking the situation and am “ashamed” to be called this. (I don’t like it when someone introduces me as THEIR boyfriend — it sounds possessive — and I also don’t like if someone asks her if this is your “boyfriend” because it makes things out to be something ordinary when in fact it isn’t). Can you expand on this topic? I’m trying to explain this to her but need the wisdom of a psychologist to help me out and “explore this” more thoroughly. Please help!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

From your description, you’re making a strong attempt to control how the relationship is represented, perceived by others, and interpreted by your dating partner. You’re using terms like “I hate” and “I don’t like” which for most people would seem overly dramatic considering the issue. In my opinion, you’re overthinking and intellectualizing the situation. If you are called “her boyfriend” — that won’t hold up in a court of law. It doesn’t obligate you to anything. It’s actually a courtesy to your partner to accept being referred to by a variety of affectionate terms.

I also suspect you’re having difficulty with the whole dating, romance, relationship thing. Your double standard would clearly give both of you problems. You very intellectually describe the label of boyfriend/girlfriend as sophomoric and overused — yet clearly refer to your partner as a “girl”. I assume she’s over 18? It you’re not careful, you’ll be accused of thinking of your dating partner as somehow second-class and not worthy of the titles you oppose. In short, you’re having trouble here — not your partner.

This type of nitpicking about labels, social representation, comments by others, and the proper designation of the level of the relationship will eventually exhaust your partner. She will be “walking on eggshells” around you, worried that someone in the environment will call you her boyfriend, knowing that will upset you. Dating isn’t rocket science, and it doesn’t require the absolutes of math and physics.

If you want help — lighten up! Develop a sense of humor and don’t take yourself or your relationships so seriously. If you think about it, you are also on edge and maintaining a level of anxiety, fearing something will be said that needs intellectual or relational correction. Comments about hating and disliking things tells me that you are probably in a bad mood much of the time. That’s no way to live or date. I also suspect you have difficulty seeing what I’m saying and if that’s true, you will have a string of relationships that don’t work and you’ll never figure out why.

Your partner seems willing to help you think less about these nonserious issues. I also suspect she’s a very bright and sophisticated woman who, out of concern for your feelings, simply smiles when you refer to her as a “girl”. Boyfriend and girlfriend are social designations — not legal definitions. Lighten up and enjoy the relationship.