Contacted by an Old Sweetheart 15 Years Later, Says God Will Guide Me Back to Him

Reader’s Question

At the age of 18, I met and eventually was engaged to a man 5 years older than me. We lived together for over a year. He was amazing, as was our relationship. We were deeply in love, the kind that comes only once in a lifetime. We really were “soul-mates”, I truly believe. But I was very young and still rebelling from my parents, and he was older and ready for marriage. He was seriously, intensely in love with me. I eventually felt smothered and broke it off, and broke his heart in the process.

Well, he contacted me the other day — 15 years later — and told me that he has always loved me. He has written songs about me, dreamed about me, mourned his loss, and has had no closure. He has never married and says he never will, since his true love is me. He was devastated to find out that I am married with 5 children now. We are both Christians now, which is very interesting, too.

But now I feel extremely guilty and very sad. I love my husband, yes, but I have never loved him like my “lost love” and doubt I ever will. Our marriage is alright — could be better, but not horrible. Of course I have children and I made a vow to my husband and God that I would be married to him for the rest of my life.

I feel like my heart is breaking. Part of me tells me that my ex is very emotionally unstable. He says things like “God sent you to me”, “you’re my angel”, “I will love you for eternity”, etc. This type of talk makes me uneasy, as if he’s majorly obsessed and potentially dangerous. But another part of me can’t stop thinking about him and dreaming about what life would have been like if I had married him. I sometimes feel special and excited when he says these things to me. I find myself comparing my husband to my ex and how he says he “will” treat me.

I am so confused! Is my ex suffering from some mental/emotional illness, or is this real? If he’s sick, I think I could forget him a lot more easily. I have already told him that I cannot talk to him anymore and to please stop calling me. His reply? “I totally understand. When God guides you back to me, please follow him. I will wait forever for you.”

What do I do? Can you please shed some light on this?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

What do you do? Protect yourself! Emotional experiences in our life create Emotional Memories. An Emotional Memory (EM) contains the details of the memory and the emotions we experienced at the time. Every “first love” is an intense emotional experience, and you remember your first childbirth more than the others — that kind of thing. When you remember your relationship with your first sweetheart — you may have very fond and warm memories. The problem with reliving those Emotional Memories — they are totally unrelated to the present. You are experiencing the fantasies of an 18 year old because in truth, you don’t know this man fifteen years later.

His intrusion into your life at this time is extremely suspicious. Here are some obvious facts:

• His contact and intrusion into your life is totally selfish on his part. He is showing no concern for how this contact may damage your marriage, your relationship with your children, etc. He’s only thinking about what he wants and he has no sense of Christian morality when it comes to trying to lure you away from your family. He is willing to destroy your marriage, your relationships, and all you’ve worked for over the past decade to satisfy his fantasies.
• His emphasis on religion, angels, destiny, etc. is creepy (technical term?) to me. You’ve obviously detected something wrong in that approach as well. He’s trying to say that a third party has approved of not only his contact with you but of the relationship. In truth, I doubt that God sends people to break up a marriage. His selfishness bought him in your direction, not spiritual guidance.
• You don’t know this man as he is now. His history tells us something very important however. If he’s not married in 15 years, he’s telling you that he hasn’t formed a lasting relationship with anyone. Even worse, he’s blaming you for that situation. That’s not a good sign. Keep in mind that he doesn’t know you fifteen years later — but that doesn’t bother him…and it should.
• Yes, he may be emotionally unstable at a minimum. It’s not uncommon for depressed individuals to mentally replay the events of their lives and fantasize about “the road not taken”, much as you’re doing now. This is often where the “midlife crisis” appears. From his approach however, I suspect more significant issues are present in this man’s life that would eventually be dangerous to you.

It’s not a good idea to dig up something that’s been buried for fifteen years. On his agenda, this “old flame” has intruded into your life and is demanding reconsideration, using religion, guilt, and your Emotional Memories against you. This is not a subtle reunion, like a chance meeting with an old lover in the grocery store, but an aggressive action on his part. He doesn’t care about you, your family, or what his intrusion into your life might damage.

What do you do?

1. Understand that the situation is highly dangerous to you.
2. Don’t agree to meet to discuss old times — that would be an Emotional Memory attack.
3. Recognize that your warm feelings are 15 years old — you don’t know him now.
4. Read my article on Emotional Memory to help understand why these feelings have surfaced.
5. Don’t make any big decisions.
6. Don’t engage in secret communications. Move all interaction to the light of day. He may eventually use your communications against you.
7. Don’t discuss your marriage with him. It’s none of his business.
8. Continue to tell him not to call or contact you.

If you go much further in this relationship, you’ll need a restrainting or protection order!

You’re not the rebellious young woman of 18 years anymore. You’re a good wife and mother with a stable family. He’s a destroyer dressed as an old romantic sweetheart. While I may sound harsh in my response, the damage he can cause you is far greater than my tough approach and recommendations.