Can a Best Friend be a Boyfriend?

Reader’s Question

Thank you for taking the time to answer or give me peace of mind. I am 21 years old and have had a relationship for 5 years with a man who is also 21. I have grown up with this man, and he is a part of my family (who loves him) — he is or was my best friend. He was perfect in how he treated me in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. However, I am not physically attracted to him in the sense that I want to kiss him a lot or have sex with him a lot.

My question: is there something wrong with me if I do not want to do something physically with him? Is that normal with time or does it mean something larger? People (including my family) tell me because he has been there for me through very hard times I will not find another man who is as tolerant of me as he has been. What do I do?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

From my calculations, you began this relationship at the age of 16. The two of you have matured through high school, teen years, and through “very hard times” as you describe them. Also as you describe, he is or was your best friend, but sometimes there’s a difference between a best friend and a romantic partner. Most happy couples describe the opposite situation — how they fell in love romantically and over the years their partner became their sweetheart and best friend. You describe a situation of growing up together which often produces that brother-sister or best friend feeling.

When you mention being 21 and having survived very hard times, another common experience may be present. When we meet a new person and fall in love at 21, that relationship is full of new memories and contains no memories of our childhood or difficult times. In your situation, while he may be a wonderful person, he also reminds you of all your difficulties during your teen years. People around us often trigger our “emotional memories” and the two of you were involved in those uncomfortable memories together. It often takes a different approach to take a “best friends” relationship and transform it into a romance.

Lastly, you may be experiencing a level of depression or stress. Depression can create several of the issues you report, including a loss of romantic/sexual interest and a preoccupation with the past. I’d recommend taking a few depression screening tests on this website and read about depression to make sure depression is not a problem here.

What can you do? If he’s a good man and you want to see if a romance is possible, you can try to form a different relationship. After five years you may have accidently settled into a predictable, taken-for-granted, even boring relationship. Start dating! Go places and do things that are new to the relationship. Try to look at each other as adults now — not teens who grew up together. You mention that “he is or was my best friend”. The relationship is changing for you. When this happens, I often recommend placing the relationship on a probation — perhaps 6 to 12 months. During that time, try to see if romantic feelings are possible by changing the relationship. If you are successful, then you’ve achieved the goal of many happy couples — a partner that is both your sweetheard and your best friend.