Girlfriend Suddenly Loses Romantic Interest

Reader’s Question

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over a year now. Things are going well, with the exception of her sex drive becoming non-existent about 3 months ago. I confronted her about it and she claimed the reason is because she wasn’t “as close or exposed” to me as she is now. She said due to our closeness, she feels self-conscious of herself more than before, and that sex early in our relationship was easier to engage in without restraint due to this lack of closeness. This alarms me. She has also taken anti-depressants for the last few years, and I am aware of possible sexual side effects. She also experienced this in previous relationships, but has expressed to me that she desires to change this, whereas in past relationships she just accepted it. Is there anything we can do to address this? I suggested trying new things, romantic evenings, different positions, massage oils, etc., but all this seems to make her more self-conscious. Thank you.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Several situations can prompt the dramatic change in sexual interest you describe. Here are some likely causes:

• Medication side effects can reduce sexual interest and pleasure. Antidepressant medications are well known for this side effect. If she has changed the dosage of her antidepressant recently, this may have caused the loss of sexual interest.
• Additional stress in her life or changes in the relationship may cause the loss of sexual interest. While you have noticed the change in sexual interest — are there changes in the relationship that you might not have noticed? From her report, she has noticed a dramatic change in her feelings and closeness in the relationship. If she does not feel that you have increased in emotional/romatic closeness as well, this may create the panic, fearful feelings she is experiencing. In these situations, it’s easy to recognize a change in our partner’s sexual interest but the problem may actually be different levels of emotional involvement or committment in the relationship. She may be developing a fear that she is emotionally exposed while you are not progressing at the same pace.
• Emotional Memory can cause these situations. We’re all aware that sights, smells, music, locations, etc. can prompt an uncomfortable memory about our past. Those memories bring moods of the past with them. Emotional Memories can be triggered by feeling states and emotional levels as well — creating uncomfortable memories and emotions that surface when a relationship reaches a certain emotional level. This is why many people predictably panic at certain levels in relationships and often can’t move further due to their panic and discomfort.

Relationship counseling may be helpful. Several factors may be involved, and counseling can help identify issues that are underlying the change in sexual interest. If we incorrectly think the loss of sexual interest is the only issue, we can waste a lot of time trying to be creative or lighting candles when a deeper concern is present in the relationship.