Childbirth 66 Days Ago and Now I’m Losing Sexual Interest

Reader’s Question

I have a situation. I just had my first baby 66 days ago. It was a normal birth and the experience was quite scary for me, with 1) the contraction pain 2) the unhealed stitches after 2 weeks. My dilemma now is that I’m sort of losing desire for sex. I am scared of sexual activity and can’t think of pursuing anything after foreplay. What should I do? Pity my husband…

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The loss of sexual desire and even a fear of sexual activity following childbirth is not uncommon. This is often caused by several situations:

• The childbirth experience, especially considering the pain and unhealed sutures, can create a very strong urge to avoid sexual activity. The brain creates an “Emotional Memory” of the event, linking sexual activity with memories of the pain and discomfort. When this happens, any situation that is sexual in content triggers our thoughts of the painful childbirth. It may take some time before that Emotional Memory fades away. You can make it fade away faster by using techniques I describe in my article on Emotional Memory — available on this website.
• Post-partum depression is often associated with the loss of sexual interest as well as a loss of energy, sleep problems, anxiety, and other classic depressive symptoms. Read information on this website about depression and take the screening tests. If depressed, bring this to the attention of your OB/GYN.
• A misunderstanding about childbirth physical trauma may also be involved. When this occurs, it’s often helpful to seek consultation with your OB/GYN physician. Your physician, after an examination, can tell you if it’s safe to resume sexual activity. If you are medically and physically ready to resume normal sexual activity — then the apprehension is more psychological/memory than physical.

When you end your question with “Pity my husband”, another issue is brought to mind. Rather than pity your husband, you need to enlist his support in this concern. This is not a problem that is 100% related to you — it’s a marital and a couples issue. I’d recommend openly discussing your fears and concerns with him, seeking his support as you emotionally prepare to resume sexual activity. To make marital sexual expression comfortable again, you must approach this as a couple. Many couples resume sexual activity in gradual stages — cuddling, hugging, pleasuring, etc. until a return to normal sexual activity seems very natural.

If you or your husband were involved in an automobile accident, it may take time and graduated stages of driving before you could resume normal driving. During the time involved in those gradual stages, we heal physically and emotionally.

Your situation is not unusual and working as a couple — using understanding, compassion, and cooperation — you can return to a normal, healthy love life. You will find that your love life will be scheduled around the new child — diapers, feedings, childcare, etc.