My Husband Blames His Affairs on My Unhappiness

Reader’s Question

I have been told that no matter what people do I never appear happy. What can or should I do?
My husband states this is the reason for his affairs.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

With a husband who blames you for his affairs, you are probably experiencing a chronic, moderate depression. At a chronic, moderate level of depression we have:

• no joy or response to good fortune/humor,
• sleep and appetite problems,
• social withdrawal,
• fatigue,
• loss of humor and personality,
• no motivation,
• loss of sexual interest,
• poor concentration, and
• loss of self-esteem and self-confidence to name a few.

To fix the depression, first do your research. Take the depression tests on this website and read the articles. I’ve also written an article on depression that is available on my website at www.drjoecarver.com. Chronic depression can last for years and sadly, we develop a depressive lifestyle when that happens. It’s a lifestyle with no joy, no happiness, no satisfaction, no self-confidence, and no interests. We are just “going through the motions” in life. This is more common than you think.

Second, discuss the possibility of depression with your family MD or OB/GYN. They are often the first line of treatment and can prescribe an antidepressant that will be helpful. Also consider counseling. Over the past years you’ve lost your self-worth to your depression. If you think your unhappiness caused your husband’s affairs…then you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you.

Lastly, rather than being supportive, loving and understanding in the face of your unhappiness, your husband has been using it to his advantage. That’s not good. You didn’t cause him to have extramarital affairs — he’s just using your difficulties as an excuse. While you’ve only given me two sentences of information in your question, I suspect your marriage is smothering and/or emotionally exhausting you. Your husband may be a controller and if that’s true, you’ll need to read my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships on this website. It discusses the techniques used by controllers, manipulators, and abusers.

Your unhappiness can be helped. Make your professional contacts and start working. Don’t deal with your husband’s fuzzy logic until your depression has improved and your self-esteem has increased. If he doesn’t take personal responsibility for his misbehavior and blames you when you’re already depressed, it’s likely that he has a variety of other attitudes and behaviors that have given the marriage trouble. Don’t give up hope.