In a Two-Year War of Words with Nasty Ex-Husband

Reader’s Question

My ex-husband and I have had a constant war of words for almost 2 years. He lives in Wyoming, and I live in NY. No matter what I do, he is always nasty and hateful. He says he is over me and hates me, and blames me for the marriage breaking up. He recently told me he edited me out of our home videos, which I know he cannot do, he said he burns things that were mine, and has my son convinced that I don’t care about him. He lies to everyone he knows about me. I have always accepted my part in the end of the marriage, but he has never taken any responsibility. Now I recently told him I do not wish to speak to him unless it pertains to our children who live with him. Then he takes my daughter’s cell phone and has been pretending to be her, I am guessing in an effort to just talk to me. I am wondering if he is showing symptoms of any kind of mental disorder; his behavior is in no way rational.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Actually, he is showing signs of a Personality Disorder (see my introduction to personality disorders on this site). He feels entitled to verbally abuse you, lie about you, ruin your relationship with your child, deceive you, and try to emotionally punish you. At the same time, he accepts no responsibility for anything, is highly manipulative, and is oppositional. That’s a personality disorder.

What is causing his behavior? Personality disorders exhibit a type of “narcissistic pride”. They are near totally self-involved, selfish, immature, and self-loving. They feel they are smarter, more capable, more talented, and more clever than those around them. They feel they should be treated and respected as though they were a celebrity or a prince. When you divorce a personality disorder — their narcissistic pride is harmed. They are almost astonished that you would divorce someone as wonderful and superior as they are, then exhibiting a sense of entitlement that allows them to punish you in any manner they see fit.

I’d recommend reading the Personality Disorder article as well as reading other Ask the Psychologist replies on this topic by selecting the tag for ‘personality disorders’ in the sidebar of this page. I’ve received many questions regarding dealing with a Personality Disorder in the family or marriage. You are on the right path:

1. keep all conversations business and disconnect when he begins verbal abuse,
2. ignore his attempts to start a discussion about the marriage or divorce,
3. recognize that your child will support him when in his custody — it’s a survival strategy for your child, and
4. discontinue any attempt to reason with him.

Personality disorders don’t think the way normal, healthy individuals think. It will be like talking to a brick wall — that then cusses you out.