My Partner Supports Me (and Controls Me) 100%

Reader’s Question

I am in a relationship with a man. He supports me 100%. He bought a house and it’s in both our names. He bought me a car and other things and he buys my medicine. Now the car was in my name and he had to change that and put it in his name. Also when we get into fights he calls the cops on me to get me out of the house. He says I can’t eat the food in the house and he said I can’t take
my meds because he bought them. I need help. I’m stuck out in the country with no family members who will help me. What do I do?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

In your situation, 100% support is actually 100% control. This is a strategy often used by abusive and controlling individuals. Over a period of time, they gradually place themselves in control of everything in your life because after all, you can’t control someone who has resources. You move in to their home, they control the car, they buy your cell phone, they take over your credit cards, they buy your food and medicine, etc. They tell you not to work, to separate from your family and friends, to sell your furniture, and to place your life and future in their hands. As you discovered, one day you look around and everything about your life is being controlled by your partner — and not in a positive way. To control you, they control your contact with your family, they control your transportation and finances, and they make you think they’re sharing with you. When you think about leaving, you realize that you have no job, no money, no place to go, no furniture, no phone, etc.

Other techniques used by controllers are listed in my article “Identifying Losers in Relationships” on this website. You’ll need to help yourself and there are several options:

• The Escape: In this option, you contact family/friends and arrange a sudden escape. You’ll probably lose personal possessions but if the situation is abusive, this plan is often considered.
• The Exit Plan: Once you make a decision to leave, you begin gathering your resources. I discuss using an exit plan in my Identifying Losers article. An exit plan may take several months.
• Giving The Abuser the Decision: Also described in the Loser article, in this approach you gradually become less involved in the relationship, boring, unmotivated, etc. to the point that the partner recommends that you leave. It’s difficult to control someone who does very little.
• I’d also recommend that you study your community. What resources are available? Is your family willing to help in any manner? Are there homeless shelters or protective agencies available?
• You may find that his 100% support is not entirely true. You may only be told that you are on the deed to the house and title to the automobile. If he can take your name off the automobile without your permission — then it was probably never in your name from the beginning. By the way, I would bet he’s used these procedures before and you may not be the only person he’s controlled.
• If possible, you may want to contact an attorney to see if you have legal rights. You may also have legal rights if he withholds your medication for any reason. One of those calls to the police may actually be turned against him.

When controllers place us in a dependent situation where they have control over most parts of our life, it often takes planning to leave the situation. If you want to leave, begin your planning process.