Would My Father Lie About Dying?

Reader’s Question

My father has always behaved oddly, but it seems to be getting worse as he gets older. He frequently calls me to tell me things he’s going to do or has done that I would consider being reckless or possibly harmful to himself. It seems to me that he tries to emotionally manipulate me into giving him money, acceptance and love. Does he have a personality disorder or is he just a wounded child always seeking to feel loved? Could you please help shed some light on his behavior and if there is any help for him? His romantic relationships:

• 21 years: Impregnated my mother and married her
• 29 years: Joined motorcycle gang and moved family to new town to be closer to the “club house”
• 30 years: My mother divorced him (she claims he was very controlling, emotionally and twice physically abusive, self-centered, immature, neglectful in his financial, husband and father roles and lied to her and some friends about having cancer)
• 31-40 years: Dated many women, but stayed with none long term. When questioned about various women he was no longer dating he didn’t want to talk about it. Some women would even talk to me and ask me if I new what happened. He “suddenly” disappeared or stopped calling.
• 40 years: Married my stepmother. She is a strong Christian and he became a strong Christian too.
• 55 years: Divorced stepmother claiming she was controlling, manipulative, and he never felt free to be himself and do what he wanted with his money and time.
• 56-Present: Falls in love quick and hard and then easily falls out of love due to something they did or didn’t do.
• Falls for girls who are in need of financial or emotional support or both.
• Puts needs of current girlfriends ahead of his own and gives them everything until he has nothing left to give.
• Often doesn’t remember my birthday.
• Says previous gifts given were for that particular occasion.

(Sections of this question were omitted due to excessive length.)

2007-2008 behaviors:

• Retired (2005) and received a large amount of money he used for down payment on man toys and a house.
• Gave away more than half his retirement to people in “need” or simply because they deserved it.
• He was shocked to see that he didn’t have any money left and insisted the bank made a mistake.
• Had to get a job to pay for all the new toys and “generous” lifestyle.
• Donated one of his kidneys to a co-worker’s wife.
• Became a truck driver, and 4 months later he they gave him the choice to quit or make a run he viewed as risky (he would have to take financial responsibility of the load if it became damaged). In his words, “Told them right off the bat he wasn’t gonna do it. And they said do it or leave. I didn’t say a word, I just turned and walked right out the door.”
• Announced at the end of my wedding night that he’s decided that when he gets back home he’s just going to sell everything and then go on the road with his Harley and get lost and no one will be able to find him.
• Motorcycle accident he doesn’t see as his fault, but clearly it was.
• He’s suing the insurance company and is apparently going to receive a million dollars or more.
• More recently, started giving away household items to 2 female friends and insists they aren’t using him.
• Claims he has diabetes and these two girls are taking real good care of him.
• According to him giving a love interest money monthly to support a business they are building.
• Claims he is dying of kidney cancer, but these two girls are taking great care of him and his love interest is very supportive.

Last week I paid for him to come out for a visit as I’ve been worried about his behavior, and he claimed he only had $36 to his name. I told him we were reluctant to help him because we would be paying his bills so he could give to others. The rest of the trip he sat teary eyed, moped, slept and spent a lot of time on the phone with his love interest. When I asked what was wrong, he’d say I don’t want to talk about it. Finally, the night before he left he sat us down and said he had kidney cancer in his one remaining kidney and he wasn’t going to accept any type of treatment because he only had maybe six months to live. His answers to my questions were inconsistent and his stare was intense as it usually is when he’s telling a story of his misfortunes or of when he’s told someone off.

Thank you in advance for your response.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While I omitted part of your question due to the length, you’ve accurately described a parent with a “personality disorder” (see my introduction to personality disorders on this site). When we have a parent who has a personality disorder, they:

• are totally self-absorbed and selfish,
• take no responsibility for the way they treat others,
• have a tremendous sense of entitlement,
• manipulate/con/lie/coerce others as a way of relating,
• contact others only on their agenda or for their benefit,
• are socially immature despite their age, and
• have a host of other features listed in the article.

Your father is showing some strong Antisocial Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits.

Would he lie about having terminal cancer to obtain something from those around him? Absolutely. Is he lying in this specific situation? That’s unknown. Without question, he a storyteller with a flair for the dramatic. The inconsistencies are here — awaiting a million dollar settlement yet not wanting treatment, etc. For a personality disorder, this is also a common set-up or orchestrated manipulation — suggesting that large amounts of money are on the way, you will be given some of it, but you need to provide some needed and up-front money now.

The most damaging aspect of personality disorder behavior is their almost total lack of concern for how their behavior, manipulations, and lifestyle harms those around them. As you mention in his history, following a manipulation or damaging situation, he’s likely to suddenly disappear. He then reappears (for his purposes only) with a manipulative story. This aspect of personality disorders is important to keep in mind when dealing with your father.

Cancer or No Cancer, you’ll need to continue to protect yourself. Personality Disorders have no boundaries, so those around them must place boundaries and limitations on the relationship. If he needs more money, that will quickly be clear. Cancer or No Cancer, you’ll need to set firm boundaries about what you’re willing to do to be of help and assistance. You may offer emotional support, limited financial support, and other assistance under your control. Based on his background, there is a chance that this is part of an orchestrated manipulation, but if you provide support in a way which protects you and your family, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you were helpful and supportive despite the outcome.

You can click on “personality disorders” in the list of tags in the sidebar of this page for additional questions and guidelines regarding personality disorders.