Concerned About Father-Daughter Sleeping Arrangements

Reader’s Question

My questions pertain to the father of my son, who has two daugthers from a previous marriage. They are 13 and 9.

Apparently the girls still sleep in his bed, or will go to his room at night (mainly the older one) when they stay with him each week (we share a home part-time but not with his daughters). He says he rubs her stomach to help her fall asleep, while lying in bed with her. I have expressed that I feel this is inappropriate behavior, due to her age, and the fact that she has developed and has started menstruating. Over the summer, I’ve noticed she doesn’t wear a bra with her tank tops, etc. and he never seems to think anything of it. However, my nieces are the same age and they are required to wear a bra — at least in public — and are about the same size. Today he was letting his girls and some of the girls’ friends play out in the rain and it was very clear she again did not have on a bra — with a wet tank top showing everything out in public. The other girls who are developing wore bras. I immediately told him she should have a bra on and he turned away and was not happy I mentioned it. He said he knew she should. Why then doesn’t he make her wear one?

He is a very sexual person, constantly asks me not to wear a bra and in fact, when sleeping with her, has either been nude or in his underwear. I just find this to be inappropriate but am looking for some guidance. They are close, and I think the close father/daughter relationship is fantastic, but I also know she is growing up, has been trying to mimic my actions, things I wear — and it just makes me very uncomfortable. I have seen him tap her on the butt, and one time she was complaining she was very tired, and he sort of tickled her side of her stomach (with two fingers up and down) and said “you should be”. I immediately felt uncomfortable. Any guidance you can provide is appreciated!

Psychologist’s Reply

You have good reason to be concerned. The sleeping situation with his daughters, especially the older daughter, is inappropriate at a minimum. If he’s sleeping naked with her in the bed, it’s far beyond inappropriate and will eventually be viewed by the daughter or those around her as sexually inappropriate or offending. If the daughter mentions the sleeping situation to a teacher, he will probably receive a visit from the Child Protective Agency in the community.

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One hundred percent of your concerns are valid in this situation. I think you are picking up “warning signs” in his behavior and attitude. I’m also concerned that the biological mother of the children seems to have no influence in this situation. Any other healthy mother would also be concerned about the sleeping arrangements, the bra issue, etc.

I’m also concerned that you may be involved in a controlled, partial relationship. He is the father of your son, you share a home part-time, and are apparently not in the home when the daughters are there. Maybe I’m just suspicious, but it sounds like arrangements for sleeping with his daughters are the priority. If you are his adult partner, placing you on a part-time housing schedule to allow him to sleep with his daughters is very unusual.

If the daughters are fond of you and are trying to dress like you, I would suggest that you provide some mother-daughter guidance. Recommend appropriate attire, bras, and behavior. Take the oldest daughter shopping for young-woman attire.

Identify situations you feel are inappropriate to the father. If he is upset, remind him that he would be even more upset if Child Protective Services were bringing the situation to his attention. He must transition his behavior from father-to-child to father-to-teenager at this point. He must be reminded that he must not only avoid sexual issues in their relationship but the appearance of sexual issues. If he does not, his daughters will eventually be the subject of ridicule, rumors, suspicion and even professional concern. In most situations, young daughters mature and begin setting boundaries for such things as privacy, physical touch/contact, etc. When this doesn’t happen, the adults must set the boundaries consistent with their cultural background. In this situation the father is not recognizing her physical/sexual maturation and setting boundaries for his daughters.

Stay concerned. A good parent is a good parent to all children. Your parental concerns are valid, and your attempt to correct parenting errors on his part will be appreciated by the children. At some point, if his inappropriate behavior continues or increases, you may face the issue of bringing the situation to the attention of professionals in the community.

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