Can an Abuse Victim Start Looking Like an Abuser?

Reader’s Question

This is one of two questions I have wanted to ask a professional for some time. I believe I was abused in a way. My ex was constantly disapproving, demeaning of my decisions, always contrary and belittling, provoking and controling — seeming to disapprove of my ideas even when they were to her benefit. Although she was openly physical and loving to immediate and extended family, she withheld this from me. She would pass me and ignore me and go to her children with love and affection. Although I would support her efforts and interests, often stopping what I was doing to immediately attend to her request, it was always too much for her to do the same for me. I always felt left out and unloved. Behind closed doors her attitude was hateful and antagonistic. Others did not see her treat me like that but would see my reaction to her. In the last days of our marriage she told the counselor that she had not loved me for 15 years.

My question is this: after years of mistreatment, is there a point where a victim begins to look like the abuser? I.e., when enough is enough and you can’t take any more. I am a man in construction. I constantly have to push on and tackle rough stuff, and in a way I must fight back against difficulties encountered in remodeling. It is either this or I sit down and give up and the job doesn’t get done. I feel like in a way I ended up responding to her abuse in this manner. No matter how much I tried, or helped, or tolerated she still treated me badly and continued to provoke. This society seems to peg the men as always being the guilty party but I know in my life and in other cases I have seen that if the woman had not mistreated the man there probably would not have been any problem. This cannot be a new situation. Folklore often reflects actual societal problems so let us consider the tale of “Rip Van Winkle and his wife” as well as others.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Mistreatment in the form of verbal abuse, hateful attitude, etc. can create anger, hostility, bitterness and resentment in the victim. In this situation, it’s not uncommon for the victim to eventually become hostile and antagnostic well. This is especially true if the situation continues for many years.

One part of your position needs special consideration however. You mention that “if the woman had not mistreated the man there probably would not have been any problem”. It’s not that simple. You describe behavior directed specifically at you, reporting her doing well with others. It’s not Rip Van Winkle — it’s Which Came First, the Chicken or the Egg? In the early stages of the marriage, she may have viewed your behavior/attitude as abusive — then responded with her misbehavior toward you as I described in the first paragraph. It’s also possible that she became verbally abusive, creating your reaction. Both may be possible, but what’s important is fixing behavior that is abusive toward anyone.

We must all be responsible for our own behavior. You can’t justify your behavior by saying you were mistreated. When we do that, we run the risk of using that same justification in other relationships. We should treat others based on the way we are — not the way they are. We should strive to be nonabusive individuals — even when dealing with abusive individuals. When we encounter abusive people, we develop a nonabusive strategy to deal with their behavior.

If you have a history of abusive behavior, recognize that the behavior has been abusive and needs correction. Assigning blame to your ex will give you a sense of entitlement, making it less likely you will improve your behavior. Look at your behavior and attitude objectively and recognize what must be corrected. If you don’t correct the misbehavior, it will continue into future relationships.