Abusive Husband — Should I Give Him A Chance?

Reader’s Question

I’d like to know: why do I still have feelings for my soon to be ex-husband? He was diagnosed with a score of 90 on the MMPI-II for Histronic and I have a compulsive with passive/submissive personality. He isolated me from family and friends and made me move 2000 miles away from everyone so he could have me and the kids all to himself. He was verbally and emotionally abusive as well if he didn’t get his way or attention. He can be very charming and friendly and extremely outgoing and I loved that about him but sometimes it is a bit much. When I tried to leave him he found a female lawyer and is fighting for custody and punishing me any way he can. I’m not sure why I still have feelings for him and why he wants me to get back together unless he wants to finish me off. Should I give him a chance or should I run for the hills and hope to be free someday even if I can’t leave the state with my children. I feel trapped and I feel like he has all the control in my life.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It is not uncommon to have feelings for your abusive spouse, feelings that are both good and bad. As you describe, abusers often alienate and geographically separate their spouse from anyone who may be of help or support. Once they have almost total control, they increase their abusive behavior and make it more difficult for you to escape the situation. The psychological aspects of this situation are discussed in my article entitled Love and Stockholm Syndrome.

Fighting for custody is not uncommon. In many cases, the abuser is holding the children hostage, suggesting that unless you return and submit to the abusive environment, you will not have access to your children. Severe abusers often use the custody threat as a bluff, especially if they have no history of being a loving, care-providing parent. In such situations, the age of the children is also very important as abusers will bribe and/or threaten older children to remain in their custody.

You mention your concern that you can’t leave the state with your children. This may also be a bluff as most courts understand that people do leave the city and even state after a divorce. I’d recommend consulting with an attorney about your legal rights. You’ll need a strong attorney to fight for your rights as living in an abusive relationship often creates emotional exhaustion in the victim, making it difficult for you to protect yourself or assert your rights.

Your MMPI-2 and behavior description of your spouse suggests he may have a personality disorder (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website). If this is true, he is probably using the controlling and abusive techniques I’ve discussed in my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships. If he has a personality disorder, he is also unlikely to change. Despite promises, his behavior will return to verbal and emotional abuse if you return to the home. It’s also very possible that he wants to keep the marriage for reasons other than your emotional health.