Homesickness Even When I’m At Home

Reader’s Question

Ever since I was a kid I’ve had the feeling of homesickness even though I was home. It just came over me that “I want to go home”. I always explained that to myself that since my parents were divorced I wanted to see the parent I wasn’t with at the time. I still get that feeling once in awhile but not as frequently as before.

The strange thing is that now I am an adult living in a good marriage and we have a nice home with everything you can wish for. We have a daughter who is 4 years old. Lately she has started with the exact same thing. We are home and she says, “I want to go home” in the exact same way as I did, and I cannot explain it anymore. I searched online and could not really find anything regarding this weird feeling of homesickness.

This is not something that is a problem in any way and I never put very much thought into this — until now, since my daughter started to feel homesick at home just like me. Could I be projecting this on her without being aware of it or is there a better explanation?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Children feel a wide range of emotions, probably as many as adults, but they don’t have labels for those emotional states. Children don’t know the correct adjective to describe the emotions they are experiencing. Adults can label a feeling of emotional distress as worry, frustration, anxiety, agitation, irritation, aggravation, etc. Due to their limited adjectives, children often describe themselves as being mad, sad, happy, or upset. Like you, children can also place their own labels on emotional states that may or may not fit the emotions they are feeling. Children interpret all agitation, frustration, irritation, etc. as being “mad”. Feeling homesick is also a behavior, and if we watched a videotape of the experience, the child physically approaches the parent or notifies the parent of their distress — using the label of homesickness or “I want to go home”. Homesickness is actually the child notifying the parent that they are experiencing some emotional distress for reasons they can’t label or identify.

As a child, for reasons unknown, you probably began labeling emotional distress as being “homesick”. This is not uncommon, and when children are upset, they often cry for the safety and security of their home and parent. “I want to go home” is a frequent phrase used by children in many settings. You and/or your parents placed that label of “homesick” on a variety of distressing feelings you experienced during your childhood. Even now, as an adult, your brain still labels a sense of anxiety, insecurity, anticipation, etc. as a feeling of being homesick. Many adults still label emotional distress with an adjective or phrase they used or heard in childhood like being “whopperjawed” or “discombobulated”.

Your daughter has likely modeled her labels from stories she’s overheard from you or your family. There is no deep psychological interpretation here. Rather, her report of “I want to go home” or homesickness is her way of notifying you that she is experiencing emotional distress. As a parent, explore the emotional distress and her experience. Don’t become sidetracked and move into a discussion of the home. She’s feeling insecurity and anxiety so we want to explore what is happening in her current situation that is producing those feelings.

The family use of “homesick” will continue for many decades. She may be off to college, move away to take a job, have an uncomfortable discussion in her marriage, or be stressed with her children. You’ll get a call or email with the introduction…”I’m Homesick”.