Will I Ever Be Happy?

Reader’s Question

I know I suffer from depression. Being on medication the last 18 months I feel on and off. Will I ever be happy? I grew up without my mother and had an abusive stepmother instead. My dad worked long hours and was occasionally around. This made me feel rejected, unloved and not worthy. Today nearing 30 it’s not better. I just came out of an abusive 4 year relationship with a boyfriend. I stayed with him for 4 years because I could not face abandonment again, the way I felt from my mother and stepmother. Now I am in new relationship with a loving man. But I just can’t be happy…I am worried that I am going to lose him and that this happiness is only temporary. I can relax and have fun with him but at the back of my mind is always the worry that again I will be left.

When I was 18 I left home, away from my stepmother. I went to university, and now I am working toward a PhD. Even there I don’t feel confident. I also don’t feel that I can go home — or that I have a home, really. I don’t feel there is a support base, a place to feel secure.

I saw a psychologist for about 2 years to work on some of these problems, but it did not help.

I just feel I am tired of life, and I don’t have the energy to work toward anything anymore. What can I do to feel better?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are describing chronic depression with a history of nonaggressive treatment. Chronic depression, even when partially treated, slowly deteriorates our self-esteem, self-confidence, and energy level. As you describe, we remain preoccupied with our past — even though our present life is going well. Some recommendations:

• I suspect an inefficient antidepressant medication program. Most antidepressants are prescribed by nonpsychiatrists — typically family or OB/GYN physicians. Nonpsychiatrists often prescribe 1) at too low a dose to be effective, 2) a single medication, 3) with few medication adjustments, and 4) are reluctant to change meds that are partially effective. If you are not currently seeing a psychiatrist, I strongly recommend that you make an appointment. Your preoccupation with the past is a classic sign of depression and chronic depression. Inefficient medication programs make us feel hopeless because we assume we are being treated…it’s just not working. A psychiatrist is better trained to deal with chronic depression. I suspect you need a medication change or adjustment.
• You are being tormented by emotional memories, those memories of your past that continue to influence your daily mood. I’d recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory on this website. Your background is part of your memories…not your life at this time. You’re a doctoral student, not a stepdaughter or some other long-ago role. Managing your emotional memories can be very helpful.
• Return to a therapist. Recovery from chronic depression works best with a combination of therapy and medication. Find a therapist that is a “good fit” for you — someone who makes sense to you.
• Recognize that your current life is also stressful. Graduate school isn’t a walk in the park. Look at ways to manage your student schedule and stressors. Schedule some fun times.
• Stick with research-based treatment procedures and programs. When it comes to depression, focus on treatment provided by licensed professionals. Don’t shop around for alternative or nontraditional treatments, as while you’re shopping, your depression will intensify.

You can be happy again. The fatigue, both emotional and physical, is a sign of a neurotransmitter-based depression that can be treated. Additional information on the neurotransmitter basis of depression can be found on my website at www.drjoecarver.com under my Articles section. CounsellingResource.com also offers depression information and depression screening instruments. Good luck in your studies.