It’s Hard to Visit My Dying Mother

Reader’s Question

My mother is dying as a result of a stroke 6 months ago. I have spent a great deal of time with her over that span and don’t want to go see her anymore. She is not the woman I knew and no longer responds to us. I know hearing is the last thing to go but I feel I have said everything.

She was not a good mom to me, favoring one child over another, and was very distant. I feel I have been there when it would do her some good but I’m done. I am feeling like this means I am a very selfish and cold person.

I am not able to work during this time so it isn’t like I don’t have time. This is my usual MO when under intense pressure. Childhood was a war zone and I am getting older myself so I no longer cope with stress as well. This is also due to two bouts with cancer, the last one a year ago. It is all just too much. Feeling better since the antidepressants were upped but now this.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are currently caught in a no-win situation. If you visit it’s uncomfortable. If you don’t visit you feel guilty, selfish and cold. Both situations further stress your life considering your recent bouts with cancer and depression. Some thoughts:

• When under intense pressure, it’s often helpful to organize your stressors. With some acceptance and recognition that the mother you knew has passed, only her body remains, it’s helpful to schedule times for a brief visitation. In your situation, these visitations are more checking-her-status than visitation in the normal sense. Set aside a brief time to visit and stick to it. Visits may be twice a week or on another schedule you determine. You can also enlist others to visit — spouse, older children, relatives in the area. In this way, you are providing appropriate visitation without adding to your stress.
• When visiting your mother, go with no expectations. Don’t visit with the idea that some closure regarding the past will be obtained. If you need to say something to her, by all means do so, but don’t expect a discussion at this point. Visit with the idea that you have something to do (check her medical status, nutrition, etc.) — not that you have something left to say.
• I’d read my article on Emotional Memory on this website. Your visits with your Mother are creating an overwhelming number of Emotional Memories and you are likely being flooded with past resentments and uncomfortable feelings. The article contains strategies to manage those reactions.
• Continue your focus on your recovery. Your mother needs nursing care and monitoring now. You are still needed by your family so it’s important to keep you healthy. Increasing your antidepressants is an excellent strategy. You may also want to consider counseling due to the number and type of Emotional Memories you are dealing with at this time.
• Develop stress-reduction strategies and activities. If your medical status permits, walking, exercise, reading, hobbies, etc. are very important. They provide another focus. When depressed and stressed, the brain tries to focus on our worries, making an idle mind and body unhealthy for us. Stay active and don’t give your brain extra time to think about your past or your recent issues.

Your mother is in another’s hands now. Visit on a scheduled basis to see that her care is appropriate and that she is comfortable.