My Three-Year-Old is Out of Control

Reader’s Question

My three year old is out of control, and sometimes I think she may have ADHD, but then there are times that she is calm and obedient and helps a lot. I had a little boy a year ago and knew she was going to be jealous, but she hurts him a lot. I caught her throwing him just yesterday, and now he is becoming violent. I have tried everything I can. I tried time out, taking her toys, and sending her to her room. I even tried reasoning with her and bribing and just sitting her down to talk, but the whole time she screams and throws stuff and kicks. She was in preschool and they said she did great, only acted out once in awhile, and everyone says when they watch her she is a good helper and listens. But for me and my husband she doesn’t. I give her the same attention I do my son. I never buy one something without buying something for the other. I have no clue what to do; I am literally going insane. She wears me out to the point my marriage is in danger. Please give me some options and help to get her back on track.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

ADHD doesn’t turn off when children are in preschool or with the babysitter, so ADHD is unlikely. Some thoughts and recommendations:

• This is fairly common behavior for a three-year-old, especially when a younger child is present in the family. Terrible behavior doesn’t always end with the “terrible twos”. We do see that she is becoming more socially appropriate as noted in the preschool and with babysitters. She also has times when she is very helpful and cooperative. This pattern tells us it’s probably a family-specific issue, not a major mental health problem.
• Trying various strategies such as punishment, bribing, purchases, etc. only confuses the child. She doesn’t know your expectations, as sometimes she is punished for bad behavior while at other times she is bribed. You’ll need to stick to one parenting strategy. I’d recommend reading an article I’ve written on my website entitled “The Highway Patrol Approach to Discipline” (www.drjoecarver.com). It focuses on short-and-sweet corrections for child misbehavior and would work well with your situation.
• Having two children under three, marital issues, and being on the verge of insanity tells me that you are emotionally exhausted. When a Mom/Mum is emotionally exhausted and depressed, childhood misbehavior increases. Children can sense the mood of the Mom/Mum and react to it. I’d review articles on depression on this website. If you are depressed, mental health consultation with your family physician/OB and counseling would be helpful.
• If your marriage is in danger — it tells me that your husband isn’t part of the solution. If he were working with you as a team, there would be no danger in the marriage. He would also see the issues. I might be wrong, but my sense is that he is looking to you to solve this situation and it takes a team of two parents. Enlist his help and decide on a team approach to your daughter’s behavior. Her behavior must produce the same response and reaction in you and your husband. Preschool and good babysitters control children by having a calm yet structured environment.
• Most of all, don’t think the worst. Your daughter doesn’t have a major problem here. Children expand their behavior to find the boundaries. You and your husband must set clear boundaries, something well-known in school settings. Using my Highway Patrol approach will help you set boundaries and be consistent in your parenting. Your daughter will benefit and your home mood will improve.

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