Can My Husband Change?

Reader’s Question

I left my husband on July 23. I left him because we were having financial problems and I couldn’t get him to listen. I also felt as though I was taking care of two kids and that he didn’t care about our marriage. He said he loves me and he realizes he has made a lot of mistakes and is going to change. He wants us to get back together, but I am afraid he won’t change or that he will change for now but will go back to bad habits. How do I know whether he can change for the better and stay that way?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

People can change but there are some general guidelines:

• Almost anyone can promise to change. Some of those who promise to change actually believe they will try to change and others have no intention of changing…they’re just agreeing to stop an argument, a divorce, a moving-out, etc.
• Almost anyone can change…for a short period of time. Physical abusers often stop abusing during a court investigation. People can be more polite, kinder, and more considerate for a short time. If they don’t put effort in it however, they return to their previous level of behavior.
• For a person to really change their behavior and attitude, it takes work and motivation…and it often takes a good deal of time. To change, people need to commit to changing and do things that demonstrate change — not just saying I’ve changed.
• We know a person is changing by their behavior — not by their promises or conversation. “Talk is Cheap” is the old saying and this is still true. If we have a promise to change, what is the person physically or emotionally doing to make that change? Going to counseling? Getting and holding a job? Making a physical effort? In short, the best way to evaluate change is to totally ignore the promises and look at their behavior. Example: a person who says “I love you” but only dates you every third Tuesday is saying in his behavior “I love you every third Tuesday” — nothing more. That’s the deal. Behavior can’t lie when observed over a long period of time.
• In your situation I often recommend a secret probation. You determine a period of time — perhaps three or four months — for him to prove his promise to change. During that time, you make your expectations clear. If a change hasn’t been made at the end of that time, it probably never will.
• How do we predict if change is possible? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If your partner has exhibited these bad habits for many years, change will be more difficult and less likely. If the change has surfaced over a short period of time (maybe as a reaction to stress), then there’s a better chance of returning to the old person.

Of course I can’t predict he will change his bad habits. However, you can use the guidelines above to improve your evaluation of his efforts to change and improve the marriage.

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