Recommendations for Learning About Personality Disorder Parents

Reader’s Question

I am 95% certain my mother has Histrionic Personality Disorder. She is 68, I am 36, and I am interested in any book recommendations you may have for understanding how growing up around this condition may have affected my development. She was married multiple times (4), and raised me mostly as a single mother (yes it was hell). I am at a point where I do not have contact with her — at all — and this seems to be the most harmonious situation I have been able to create for myself. Thank you for your help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I’d begin by reading my introduction to personality disorders on this website. Next, I’d read the article on ‘Identifying Losers in Relationships‘, as it describes many of the techniques used by Personality Disorders to control those around them. ‘Love and Stockholm Syndrome‘ describes how we can become tangled up in the lifestyle of a personality disorder.

Another source of help can be found in the Ask the Psychologist collection of questions. By selecting the “Personality Disorders” section linked from the sidebar of the page, you’ll find many questions posed by the partners and children of adults with a personality disorder. As you have discovered, most healthy adults keep personality disorder parents/relatives/siblings/friends at a safe social and emotional distance. In severe cases, no contact may be the only strategy that protects you.

Having a personality-disorder parent can significantly influence a child’s development. Some common side effects of a personality disorder parent:

• The child develops low self-esteem and low self-confidence due to the PD parent’s frequently blaming the child for their mistakes, situations, and bad judgments.
• The child accidently develops a high tolerance for wacky and unhealthy situations. Histrionic mothers create a home environment where loud outbursts, throwing things, suicide threats, screaming, and guilt manipulations are very common. It’s like being reared in an emotional combat zone!
• The child learns shame and guilt. Children are typically blamed for the failure of parental marriages and relationships.
• The child sees a pattern of manipulation, deception, exaggerated emotions, and bad behavior rather than honesty and emotional stability. Personality Disorders promise their children things — not because they will grant the promise, but only because it gets them out of a situation. When this happens, children don’t trust the word of others and feel all adults and even partners are equally manipulative and promise-breakers.

The internet is a great resource for information on personality disorders. There are several blogs and websites that focus on the victims of personality disorders. Educating yourself is the best protection when it comes to dealing with personality disorders in our life.