Should I Seek Help for My Sexual Desires?

Reader’s Question

My mother told me, after talking to my girlfriend, that I should seek help about my sexual desires. My girlfriend says that it doesn’t bother her and that she likes being tied up, gagged, whipped, handcuffed, and all the multiple other sexual acts that I find arousing. But when she talked to my mother about our sex life my mother came to me and told me and her both to seek help. But what I want to know is if I should seek help, or is there something wrong with us?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your girlfriend says it doesn’t bother her because of her love and concern for you. She has probably been honest with your mother about her feelings. That’s why your mother has recommended seeking professional help…and by the way, she’s correct.

In your description of your sexual desires, you are not describing an intimate, loving relationship with your girlfriend. You are not making love to her or with her — you are doing things to her. Your focus on “my sexual desires” and “sexual acts that I find arousing” is completely selfish and immature — with no concern for emotional warmth or tender intimacy. There’s also little concern for your girlfriend’s feelings here. There’s no emotional sharing going on here — just you using your girlfriend sexually.

I would recommend seeking professional help for this issue. Your mother has correctly determined that this issue will have a significant impact on your relationship with your girlfriend.