First-Time Mother: Am I Being Overprotective?

Reader’s Question

I am a first time mother of 5 month old twin boys. I felt a bit depressed after their birth but that has since gone away. I think that I am a good mother and I care for my children very well. However, I do have a few concerns and would like to know your suggestions and thoughts.

Frist, I have an issue with people touching my children without washing their hands; is that normal?

Second, I catch my mother-in-law with her finger in their mouths all the time and it drives me nuts. Is that being over protective?

Third, and this is the biggest problem. I worry so much about what could happen to my children that I work myself into a panic attack. For instance when I am holding my child as I walk past the stairs I don’t just think to be careful and not stumble. I think, in graphic detail, what would happen if I fell down the stairs and what could happen to my child. I am very worried about this because I fear that my child will pick up on this and be a very anxious child and I don’t want that. How do I stop thinking about this?

Thank you for your help.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Let’s start with the obvious: You’re Thinking Too Much! While all of your concerns are normal, you are placing above-average emphasis and worry on them. If we look at the theme of your concerns, there is a pattern often seen in obsessive-compulsive symptoms. From a clinical standpoint, this tells me your post-partum depression didn’t fully leave — it just changed it’s focus.

Depression (including post-partum depression) is related to low levels of the neurotransmitter Serotonin. The low Serotonin produces the crying spells, sleep/appetite disturbance, loss of sexual interest, etc. Low levels of Serotonin are also linked to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Due to this link, a rather large percentage of individuals who develop depression also develop obsessive-compulsive symptoms, often with no prior history of OCD. It’s very common for depressed individuals to start counting things, become preoccupied with germs, or develop obsessive thoughts (thinking too much).

In your situation, normal maternal concerns have been amplified in the direction of obsessive thoughts about germs and harm to your children. If you think about it, your brain is running overspeed. You are imagining harm and harmful situations, which is related to anxiety. To fix this, I’d consult with your OB physician. A small dose of an antidepressant can fix these symptoms.

Keep in mind that the basic idea behind your obsessive concerns is normal…it’s just exaggerated. While we want to keep our children as germ-free as possible, babies are pretty strong as your boys actually are carrying your blood — complete with your antibodies and other germ-fighting components. Mother-in-laws and older Moms always stick their fingers in a infant’s mouth. They are checking for teeth development, massaging gums, and doing other weird things. It’s all normal and doesn’t harm the child.

On the positive side, while you are anxiously projecting that your anxiety may produce an anxious adult in your five-month old — that’s also not a problem. Infants are also protected from the emotional distress of their parents for the first many years of development. Being an anxious mother is a problem for the mother — not the child. Children can sense anxiety in their caregiver and react with crying or discomfort — but that doesn’t extend into their adulthood.

I’d call your OB as soon as possible. You’ve got to reduce your anxiety level and eliminate the OCD symptoms. With twin boys, you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you. You’ll need all the emotional strength you can get.