Dealing with My Girlfriend’s Insecurity and Jealousy at the Office

Reader’s Question

My fiancé is extremely jealous and I need some help. Both my fiancé and I work at the same place. When we decided to start dating I told her about my past relationships and what I have done wrong, which included being unfaithful in a prior relationship — which I now regret doing because she believes I will be unfaithful to her. She gets very angry if I talk with certain female coworkers and accuses me of wanting these women. Or if we go anywhere I get accused of watching other women, etc. I am very much in love with my fiancé and I am not interested in any other woman, but she does not believe in me. She has also been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder a long time ago, which I believe is mild, but she does worry a lot. Her ex-husband was very abusive (physically and verbally). She divorced after 21 years of marriage, and her self esteem is very low. She was also sexually abused in her teenage years and refuses to discuss that issue with me. She does not want to go to a psychologist or be put on any type of medication because of the side effects. What do I do and how can I get some help? She is constantly thinking negatively and does not know how to stop. I do not want to lose her. How can I get some help or advice?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Jealousy is often a combination of poor romantic and personal self-esteem and “emotional memory”. Your partner clearly has a background that was sexually, emotionally, and physically traumatic. Such backgrounds produce severe and intense “emotional memories” — memories that contain both the details of an abusive/traumatic event and the emotions at the time. These emotional memories can then be triggered by the behavior of those around us. It’s also not uncommon for individuals with her background to refuse treatment — knowing that part of treatment involves a retelling of the traumatic events, thus prompting her to refeel and reexperience them. When jealousy and insecurity are combined with a history of traumatic emotional memories, we can experience intense jealousy and emotional distress triggered only by viewing a casual conversation with another co-worker.

Some recommendations for your situation:

• Encourage her to research her anxiety concerns. Untreated Generalized Anxiety Disorder can be very intrusive in our daily routine. Anxious individuals are often fearful of using medications, but in truth — they are fearful of everything. In reality, the side effects of untreated anxiety are much more severe than the dry mouth produced by antidepressant or antianxiety medications. She may want to review articles on anxiety and depression on this website. I’ve also written an article entitled Chemical Imbalance on my website at www.drjoecarver.com.
• I would ask both of you to read the article on this website entitled Emotional Memory. It discusses “triggers” that are producing intense reactions in your sweetheart. After reading the article, try to identify “triggers” that increase her distress. Then identify strategies that help lower her anxieties. For example, if talking with female co-workers is a trigger — the strategy might be your assurance to mention your engagement or relationship with her in each conversation. If it’s an office discussion regarding the copy machine you add “Actually, I think (insert name) is more mechanical that I am. Once we’re married, she’ll probably be fixing the automobile.” Using this strategy, word will quickly get around to her that you frequently discuss the relationship in a positive and carefree manner.
• Try to look at behaviors that make her feel unsafe and insecure. At the same time, recognize that we can’t make her feel safe by never talking to fellow employees or looking at co-workers. Behaviors that tend to increase relationship insecurity in the workplace might be “private” talks with co-workers, frequently observed talks with the same opposite-sex co-worker, frequent casual references about co-workers and their personal lives (”Michelle, who works in accounting, told me she and her boyfriend…”), and defending the behavior of co-workers as in “Karen rubs my back because she worked as a physical therapist several years ago!”
• Don’t discuss events or past experiences at this time. When anxiety and insecurity are high, everything each person says can and will be held against them.
• Counseling as a couple or each individual would be helpful. A third-party view is often very helpful. When we are troubled by Emotional Memories for example, those intense reactions to triggers seem very justified but in truth, they are reactions to events in our past, not our present. Counseling often helps separate old experiences from our life today.
• Offer nothing about your personal romantic relationship other than that you have one. Personal and private information will activate all professional office gossips, putting them into overtime. Keep all conversation at a grocery-store level — “We’re enjoying the summer” — rather than “She’s having some problems with jealousy right now!”

To repair previous emotional damage and minimize jealousy and insecurity, you’ll need to work as a team. A team develops strategies for each situation, and this will be no different.