Guilt Over Abusing Pet During Childhood

Reader’s Question

First of all I want to thank you in advance for taking the time to look at my email!

I had a very hard childhood. Because of a hearing deficiency only recently discovered (I’m 21), I spoke very loudly as a child and for most of my life, causing most people not to want to be around me. I was constantly teased and bullied and because of this, as I got older I developed anger problems. I’ve been depressed most of my life and I only recently (about a year) started to realize all my flaws and that I needed to change in order for me to ever be happy. I’ve been working on it and I’m still not happy but I’ve made a number of personality improvements.

The reason I am writing is because I’ve been feeling a lot of guilt lately because when I was 14 I got my first dog, and within a couple months I started abusing her. This went on for about 2 to 3 years and she’s 7 now so I haven’t abused her about 4-5 years. I recently got a new puppy who I haven’t and won’t abuse but it’s reminded me of how cruel I was to my first dog. I was a lonely angry child and teenager and often took out my anger on my dog. I didn’t torture her or anything, but I used to beat her hard and she’s a small dog. When she was younger she used to run away from me and shake if she thought I was mad at her. Now my relationship with her is great and I do nothing but show her love; she no longer runs away from me or shakes. You would actually never be able to tell she was an abused dog because she is so happy and playful all the time, and my mother has no idea that I used to do this.

But I’ve been feeling overwhelmingly guilty to the point of tears when I think of what I used to do. I can hardly see the screen because I’m crying now. I tell her constantly that I love her and always show her affection, give her treats, and overall try to make her feel good. I just want to know how I can either stop feeling guilty or accept that the past is the past and that she is okay and happy now. I just have a hard time accepting that I put her through this and that she did nothing wrong. I’m always thinking about how painful it must have been for her and how horrible it must have been for her to endure. The irony of this is that I’m an avid animal and human rights activist and I’m studying journalism for this very reason.

Do you have any suggestion or coping mechanisms for me so I can accept what I have done and that it was wrong but move on? I’m tired of crying every time I pet her!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As you can tell by your pet’s behavior, your dog has forgiven you for your behavior as a teenager. That relationship has been repaired and the dog shows no fear, intimidation, or problems with your current behavior. While the dog has forgiven you, you haven’t forgiven yourself. There are two reasons for your behavior…

You report dealing with depression for many years. Depression has many symptoms such as poor concentration, crying spells, sadness, sleep problems, etc. Classic symptoms of depression are guilt and obsessive thoughts. When depressed, our brain searches our memory for our worst experience. It finds memories it can use to torment and torture us. In your case, your depression has found your memories of being abusive to your dog and now torments you with those memories. As your depression improves with treatment, those memories will retreat to the past.

While the depression is using the memories to torment you, those specific memories contain feelings as well. Memories made during trauma, violence, humiliation, and other emotionally-charged experiences are recorded differently in the brain — recording both the details and the feelings at the time. These memories are called “Emotional Memories“. When you think about your pet, your brain pulls Emotional Memories that contain feelings of your depressed and tormented childhood, causing you to relive and refeel the emotions of those years. My Emotional Memory article explains the process and offers suggestions on eliminating those troublesome memories.

Your pet has formed a new relationship with you. Enjoy it. Rather than remember your childhood when you pet your dog, remind yourself “You helped me change my life…thank you”.