He Urinates Outside and Drives My Car

Reader’s Question

Six weeks ago I met what I thought was the perfect man for me. The relationship started out wonderfully. He was very attentive and sincere. He said he was not a materialistic person and that money wasn’t important in his life. He is doing very well for himself and has had a very lucky life.

I’m starting to find some very unusual fetishes in him. He always goes outside to urinate and if I’m in the yard with him, he’ll do it right in front of me. That seems very disrespectful to me not to mention embarrassing. Then he said he was buying a car for me that he thought I would look good in. He bought the car and now he’s saying he will share it with me and the days I have his car. He intends to use mine (even though he has other vehicles, but I don’t much like the fact that he exceeds the speed limit and I don’t want him wrecking my only vehicle). He keeps changing his future plans. He was going to retire in Dec. and now that he has met me he wants to work another four years. He wants me to move in with him and he said he wanted to take care of me as I have heart disease and am restricted to what I can do, but at the same time, he is now telling me what is expected of me when I do move in with him. He keeps cancelling on our commitments for neighbourhood parties and yet wants me readily available at his convenience. He is terribly suspicious. I drove a co-worker home because I had to pass by his house anyway and his comment was “so now you are picking up guys?”

I just don’t know what to think. Does this guy have mental problems? Am I overly sensitive? I am 50 and he is 56. We are both divorced.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive. I think you’re correctly picking up some questionable and distressing behaviors. My first impression is that he’s a controller. He’s placing your relationship on a schedule and it’s his schedule.

The automobile scheme is another red flag. Why is that even necessary? When I’ve seen that behavior, it’s from an individual who wants to put wear-and-tear and accident risk on your vehicle — not his. This is a selfish form of not only control, but attempting to minimize his risk and financial issues at your expense. I suspect you’ll find many more penny-pinching behaviors as time goes on. He’s peeing in the yard to save a gallon of water used to flush the toilet. That kind of behavior in an otherwise sophisticated adult is a strong red flag that this man thinks very differently…and worse, he doesn’t care if his behavior bothers you.

Mentally healthy people are consistent. He’s exhibiting a pattern of presenting himself in a certain manner early in the relationship (going to retire, social activities, etc.), now gradually changing once you’re involved. This “bait-and-switch” technique is another red flag that tells us his original presentation is likely to change significantly over the next months. For this reason, his promises to take care of you are also likely to change without notice.

I suspect you’ve got a controller here, with a side order of financial preoccupation. Before moving in, I’d place the relationship on probation — watch and monitor it for awhile — and if the behaviors continue or increase, I’d seriously consider moving on.

To help identify additional red flags, I’d recommend my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships on this website. I think you should be very cautious in this relationship. This man may have more agendas than a government meeting. I also suspect he’s exactly the opposite of his first claims — being very materialistic (the autos are a perfect example) and very money oriented.