Employee Upset…Should I Tell the Boss?

Reader’s Question

Today I found myself in a very tough, emotional situation with our key female employee. When I found her crying as she came out of the restroom, and asked what was wrong, she confided in me that last night her husband of 3 years admitted he had cheated on her last December. They have a new baby boy (their first child), born in October. She asked me not to tell anyone here at work or elsewhere, and of course I promised I wouldn’t. I encouraged her to try and work it out, go to counseling, hang in there, as I know her husband (I believe he loves her very much and accidently strayed due to new-parent pressures etc.) and was very involved in their wedding. She said several times that she loves her husband very much, that is he is highly remorseful and guilt-ridden, and that they are starting counseling tonight. She has never brought her personal life into the workplace before this. Her tears touched me so deeply that I also cried, just seeing her in so much pain.

This young woman’s character is beyond reproach. She has been with us for 7 years, exhibits excellent work and personal ethics and has been absolutely by far the best employee we have ever had. I want to tell my husband (her boss) that she is going through a rough patch at home (no details), just to give him a heads-up if her work performance suffers. She is a real work horse in our firm. It would break my heart if he criticized her functioning, even though justified, because I know she would not say word one about her personal problems and would take it on the chin like the champ she is.

Should I tell him or remain silent? My gut feeling is that I want to protect her and support her, while not betraying her confidence. Yet I also have deep and absolute loyalty to my husband in our workplace, since we have built the practice together over 30 years and constantly bounce ideas back and forth, and discuss challenges with each other. He is the president and I am vice-president of our firm.

I am completely torn between these conflicting issues. Any advice you can give me would be deeply appreciated.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When coworkers, friends, and family members are going through a difficult time (marital difficulties/separation, serious illness, public incidents, legal difficulties, etc.), they usually want their personal details protected. This request for protection, by asking you to keep her secret, has positive and negative consequences. On the positive side, it keeps her personal life out of the office, away from the office gossip (most offices have at least one!), and assures her confidentiality while she goes about her office routine. On the negative side, the emotional distress created by such events often can’t be hidden, as in this situation. She will experience events during the day that will trigger emotional reactions. Staff observing her emotional distress, her work inefficiency, or work mistakes will create their own conclusions. So what is the best strategy?

• Your heart-felt description of her value to the office is excellent. You should offer that same description to her, followed by a request to provide your husband with a brief description of her situation — a description of her situation, not the details.
• Discuss how her situation will be represented to your husband/her boss. Providing this information to a supervisor is actually a form of protection if we think about it. Develop and agree upon a “press release” for your husband — something like “She is experiencing some family issues right now. It’s not related to her employment but as her supervisor, it’s important that you know.” This is a common practice and strategy in employment as when we approach our supervisor with “I’m having some problems with my blood pressure, so if you see requests for sick leave for medical appointments, that’s what it’s about. There’s no cause for alarm but I will be having some medical tests.” Again, it’s a form of courtesy as well as protection.
• Ask that she allow you to represent her situation to your husband. With mutual agreement, provide him only with a need-to-know level of information. With this agreement, he can approach you with concerns about her office functioning.
• Couples do survive and recover from these episodes and for that reason, it’s important that she frame her press release as “family” rather than marital. She doesn’t want to be in a position where coworkers will be asking about her marriage for many months to come. Remind her that she has no obligation to discuss her personal business with any coworkers.

The fact that you’re concerned tells me this will be handled properly.