Feeling Insecure with Bartender Boyfriend

Reader’s Question

I have been so deceived and cheated on by men in the dirtiest ways…right under my nose when I should have put two and two together…when I should have been smart…when I should have recognized my gut instinct… After all was said and done I realized I didn’t truly love them. In that I mean I didn’t accept them for them. These were normal men with corporate jobs, always home at five for dinner types who were so deceiving and just sneaky. I never was the type to be jeolous or inquisitive or distrusting until this man… Now I have a man I actually do love, more than anything. I accept his imperfectness. He is perfect to me. But there is a huge problem.

First off he is out of my ordinary man material. He is an arrogant, loud, extremely smart and smart ass bartender. He is around a lot of girls all the time who flirt and everything because he is the bartender. He has slept with a lot of women for his age. So the problem is he claims he never would cheat. He claims he never would hide anything, but everytime he walks out the door I get that gut feeling. It twists and turns and pokes me like a hot iron. If he hangs out with his friends that are girls at the beach, I can’t breathe wondering what is occuring in the water. If he stays at a friend’s house for the night after going out I’m wide awake pacing, wondering if he hurried me off the phone cause he really is tired and going to bed or if there are girls coming over.

When he is cleaning after work I have to make sure no one is sitting there with him. I have to know where he is at all times and I have to see his call logs and texts and myspace just to ease my anxiety so I can sleep at night (he does the same though, and that makes me wonder even more).

I was looking in his cupboards for Tupperware I lost the other day and I came across a phone number that was a girl with a little heart on it written on a guest check from the bar and placed in an inconspicuous spot. I’m soo soo dying to ask him if he is deliberately hiding and keeping it or if it’s from before we were together. But instead I spent five minutes me memorizing every digit in all its evilness just so I can see if it’s ever in the call logs. I want to call it so bad and just ask her. I spend every night with him. I don’t know how he would cheat.

My question is: is it possible for the past occurrences to have trained my mind to look for little stupid things like a rush off the phone or a stutter in a word? Or when he gets defensive when I ask him stuff to ease me? The same things he does sometimes and says bring back flashes of the past and I start to look into things to the minute detail and question everything twice just to see if I get the same answer. Is it possible that my mind has just been programmed to not trust the opposite sex after trauma? It is entirely possible that he is not the same as the rest? He could be loyal — he could be always telling me the truth and never keeping anything from me… But all I’ve known is snakes who lie to my face without a flinch and talk to me on the phone while their other girl was sitting right there being quiet. I’ve had it all done to me and I want to know if my mind is on full force duty because I actually really love this one…

Some feed back would help. Just tell me I’m normal. I don’t want to push him away yet I don’t want to be the one getting screwed behind the back from another “I’m so honest” innocent faced man… What do I do? I can’t live like this.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You will be experiencing “Emotional Memory” due to your previous relationships. Bad experiences in our past will often be triggered by similar situations in the present — the rush to get off the phone, excuses, late-night work, etc. When those memories surface, the feelings we had at the time are not far behind, causing us to reexperience and refeel the hurt, deception, and disrespect again.

While you’re dealing with Emotional Memories from previous relationships, you’re also involved in a relationship that will have multiple triggers for suspicion, doubt, etc. If you’re insecure in relationships, you’ve picked a high-risk situation this time. A bartender, with lots of ex-partners, who goes to the beach with female friends, etc. This would be a high-risk relationship even if you didn’t have emotional memory. It’s unlikely he’s chosen bartending near a beach as a career — it’s probably a lifestyle. As a lifestyle, it’s unlikely he’ll be interested in changing.

You are likely to have many situations in this relationship that cause you distress. While it’s normal to experience insecurity in the relationship, I suspect the insecurity will continue based on his behavior and lifestyle. You’ve picked a relationship with built-in insecurities. It’s like purchasing a huge automobile, then being surprised that it requires a lot of expensive gasoline. It’s also unlikely that he will change his lifestyle to make you feel safer. After all, he has no distress about the situation.

You may want to place the relationship on a type of probation. Make attempts to lower your distress and encourage a more solid relationship with him over the next few months. After a few months, if nothing has changed and you are still distressed, you’ll need to decide if you can or want to live that way.