Father’s Inappropriate Comments and Behavior

Reader’s Question

I am 28 years old, and I have a problem that I have put off dealing with my entire life. Since I was younger, my father has made inappropriate comments towards me sexually and touched me mildly inappropriately. As far as I can recall, he has never actually touched me in an overtly sexual manner. No fondling or anything like that. When I was around 10 he asked me if I would give him a French kiss. My mother was in the room and as soon as he said it, his face turned beet red and he laughed really loud like it was a big joke. My mom pretended to laugh too but I could tell she was grossed out and worried.

Other than that, he has done things like slap my butt a couple of times. When he puts his arm around me, he puts it around my waist and wraps his fingers around my waist. Sometimes he tickles me on my waist and I always tell him to stop and he makes a joke about me being too sensitive. I was recently at a family event and he told me he wanted to talk to me outside so we could catch up, and when we were finished talking and I said “Do you want to go back inside” he said “only if you give me a kiss.” I assumed he meant on the cheek so that’s what I did.

Please help me decide what to do. I can no longer ignore this. But I don’t want to break my mother’s heart over nothing. I also love my father and he has always been there for me. But I feel very very uncomfortable around him to the point that I am considering no longer visiting my parents, which breaks my heart because I am extremely close with my mother.

I think this whole thing boils down to my father having inappropriate sexual urges about me, and never really following through on them except for mild behavior. But I need and have the right to feel totally safe and comfortable around my family. Again, please help me decide what to do.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

We could discuss a variety of issues that might be involved in this situation such as:

• Are these behaviors acceptable in his cultural/family background? Some cultures are very physical, physically affectionate, and even mildly sexual in their range of behaviors.
• Is his behavior only directed toward you, or is he overly physical and affectionate with others as well?
• Does he have problems with boundaries in other areas? Problems with impulse control?

As you describe, his behavior is inappropriate, especially demanding a kiss after asking to be alone with you. You have the right to set firm boundaries regarding appropriate behavior. Other suggestions:

• When you visit your parents, try to avoid situations in which your father has an opportunity to behave inappropriately. Don’t agree to walks alone or other uncomfortable situations.
• If he grabs you by the waist, tickles, or slaps your behind — show your opinion with a firm “Dad, I don’t care for that. I’m not twelve anymore!” While he will protest and acuse you of being too sensitive, he will have heard the message loud and clear. He will also be somewhat embarrassed by the situation.
• Show affection only on your terms. A hug around the shoulders, kiss on the cheek, etc. Also show affection while moving…as when leaving with a hug around the shoulders.

One last point… Sexual urges and sexualized behavior are not always related to a fantasy about explicit sexual activity. On the low end of the scale we have urges to touch, be physically close, receive affection from, etc. If we think about it, many adults go for months and often many years without ever touching the waist or receiving a kiss from anyone but their partner. An emotionally painful aspect of marital separation and divorce is the absence of hugs.

In the middle of the scale we probably have urges that are more sexualized, focusing on sexual body areas. These body areas may draw affectionate focus and attention without a fantasy for sexual activity. As you might expect, the upper end of the scale is reserved for urges and fantasies involving sexual activity. As you describe, your father has not crossed that line and may have no urges/fantasies in that area.

This can be worked out. Each time your father behaves inappropriately, bring it to his attention in a polite yet uncomfortable manner. He will gradually tighten his physical boundaries.