Boyfriend Having Difficulty with His History — Can He Change?

Reader’s Question

My fiancé are in counseling, EFT, which we both love and are excited about. The problem I am finding is his “history”. He wasn’t taught as a child to love, trust or respect, so although he truly wishes he could, he has no ability to. The worst part for us is that he was taught quite the opposite lessons through sexual abuse and neglect. My question is whether or not it is possible to to teach a 34 year old adult new lessons to fall back on? I understand we return to the teachings we received between 0-6 years of age, but what does this mean for a man who only knows paranoia and to protect himself against any presumed threats, who knows to be guarded and can shut down for protection within a half second over anything and everything?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Can you teach a 34 year old new lessons? Absolutely! The brain is incredibly flexible and can be taught just about anything. In most situations, 1) education, 2) demonstration, and 3) repetitive practice can create a new lesson for almost anyone. Your sweetheart can learn about healthy feelings and attitudes, have those demonstrated to him, and frequently practice his new skills with your help. This is how we learn to ride a bicycle or drive a car.

The largest obstacles he’ll encounter are the “emotional memories” from his history/background. He has thousands of memories from those years of abuse and neglect that will be triggered during the week, causing a change in his emotions and attitudes. This is not a regression to age 6 but rather how the brain uses our background to interpret our current experiences. When we hop in a taxi, the brain remembers how to provide information to the cab driver and what information to provide. I’d recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory, as those memories create a variety of problems with mood and attitude if we’ve had a difficult background.

Yes, he can change but both of you will participate in the change. As I mention in the article, you’ll need to lovingly remind him when emotional memories are triggered. Through professional help, you’ll learn other methods to manage both past and present concerns.

Rate this post?

(1 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

 Loading ...