My Boyfriend is Away in the Military, and I’m Seeing Someone Else

Reader’s Question

I’m a 19 year old female who has been involved with her boyfriend (high school sweetheart) since I was 14. I am his first girlfriend and he is my first serious boyfriend, so we really were all the other knew. When he graduated at 19, stressed and not knowing what to do with his life, he joined the military figuring he’d make a better life for us in the future. (Yes, we’d planned to stay together and eventually marry.) Well, the typical military long distance thing happened where we’d hardly see each other and he’d come by to visit. He’s three years older than me so I knew he’d be more prepared for things than I. Our relationship was always healthy and we’d never really argue, until he joined the military… I just felt lonely and dead inside anytime he was away — especially when he would leave after a visit. I’d ask him “why did you do this to me?” I know it’s wrong of me, but I felt so hurt… Time and time again he’d leave and I’d feel like everything was wrong in my life, but when he visits everything is great.

About 10 months ago though, after starting college and getting a new job and dealing with endless amounts of stress, I started feeling that our relationship took so much of an emotional toll on me that I didn’t think I could handle it, but it would scar him so much if I left, that I’ve stuck with him. Only thing is, as of about 6 months ago I’ve begun secretly seeing someone else. I feel like scum for doing so, but I feel happy when this guy is around and I even lost my virginity to him which eats away at me on the inside. I don’t want to leave my boyfriend and I know I have to stop what I’m doing, but I don’t know if I should tell my boyfriend of the current situation. He knows how I feel about the distance, but he says if we split, he would be too hurt to ever see me again. He is really shy and sweet and doesn’t deserve what I’m doing to him. What is making me do this? What’s wrong with me? Thank you for taking the time, sorry it’s so long.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your situation is very common. There’s nothing wrong with you…it’s just that life goes on and changes over time. If I understand your ages correctly, he began a career in the military while you were still in high school and actually very young. While that was a mature decision for him, several years later you have arrived at that age where You are required to make some mature decisions. As you’ve discovered, his career and lifestyle works for him — but not for you. You are now headed in a new direction — college, new job, and a new lifestyle. You have the right to select how you want to live and being a girlfriend who receives only visits from her boyfriend may not work for you. You may need to tell him exactly that…

While it’s difficult, you may need to tell him 1) the long distance relationship isn’t working for you, 2) your life is headed in another direction, and 3) you need to end the boyfriend-girlfriend part of your relationship with him, allowing both of you to go where your life takes you. It’s possible that he will elect never to see you again or even communicate. You’ll need to accept that as part of your life. People come and go in our lives and most adults have a collection of memories of old friends, old sweethearts, and people who were once important to us.

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