Is My 8 Year Old Daughter Histrionic or Bipolar?

Reader’s Question

I have a daughter adopted internationally at 17 months of age. She was in an orphanage and has low vision. She appeared to have many (or most) of the symptoms of reactive attachment disorder when we brought her home. She would hang limp-limbed when I carried her, she cried and screamed for long periods, she arched her back or kicked when I tried to rock or cradle her, she was very independent but would jump right into strangers’ laps or act really sweet for Dad, grandparents, babysitters, etc while being extremely volatile and stubborn with me, her mother. She was a second child and we later adopted again. I stayed home with them until they started school and now only work part-time. My daughter is going into 3rd grade this fall.

She is generally well-behaved at school and in public and usually very active and talkative, but she continues to be extremely obstinate with me and emotionally volatile at home. I think she fits the characteristics of a histrionic personality at this point. She has been called a drama queen, she is very messy and yet she spends a lot of time fussing over what she will wear and wants her nails painted and wants people to comment on how pretty her hair is. She is still very overly affectionate with other adults and is very concerned about how much her friends play with her and how many friends she has. She seems to be a bottomless pit when it comes to attention — she never gets enough. She is always very jealous and concerned that she get her share of what everyone else is getting — plus some! Often when I ask her to help me or give her a consequence for behavior she cries and stomps and says I hate her and love her brothers more.

At what point do I need to be concerned that this child has more than just attachment/adoption issues? Should her attachment issues be better after 8 years home with us? A friend of mine insists that she is bipolar. Can a child be diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder, and can she be treated? How? What I can I do to convince her that she is getting enough?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your daughter does not have a personality disorder. The majority of children are histrionic in their emotional expression due to their 1) lack of more mature social skills, 2) inability to verbalize and articulate their emotional states, 3) poor coping skills, and 4) inability to view situations from the persepective of those around them. The behaviors you are describing are fairly normal for an 8-year-old girl, including the demands for nonstop attention. As a parent of two daughters and three granddaughters — crying, stomping, pouting, sulking, eye-rolling, door slamming, “You love my sister best!”, etc. are all fairly common behaviors when their demands are not immediately met. At times, children are the kings and queens of drama because they lack the maturity for stable emotional expression.

If we think about the concept of a personality disorder, that diagnosis is made only in adults (18+ years). A diagnosis of “histrionic personality” is present when an adult behaves and thinks like an 8 year-old child. Female adults who stomp, throw temper tantrums, are extremely jealous, create scenes in public, have an extreme need for attention, demand their own way, etc. are considered to be “queens of drama” and yes, histrionic personalities. While such behavior is normal for an 8-year-old girl, it’s abnormal and maladaptive when you’re 26 years old. If you daughter as not outgrown these behaviors by the time she graduates from high school — then a histrionic personality is possible.

Another “normal” aspect of her behavior is her polite and well-behaved manner in school and in the public yet her demanding and temper-tantrum behavior at home. This is not Bipolar Disorder as that disorder is a problem that can create problems 24/7 — not just in the home. In truth, most 8 year-old daughters can be very polite, pleasant, and well-behaved in every location but her own home. When at home, they feel more relaxed and accepted, releasing their immature emotions without fear of rejection. To deal with this behavior, I would recommend referring to popular books on parenting. Our goal as a parent is to consistently and fairly teach proper social and emotional behavior as well as problem-solving to our children. Your daughter is learning and is polite and well-mannered at school and in public. You’ll need some additional effort to improve her behavior in the home where the jealousy is more intense and issues associated with sharing are more frequent.