Physician Husband Won’t Choose Between Wife and Nurse

Reader’s Question

My physician husband had an emotional affair with his nurse for several months. He says it only consisted of working with her daily and telephone conversations after hours, weekends, vacations, and holidays. He claims there was no sexual relationship. The affair ended with my discovery of cell phone records. During a session with our marital therapist two months later I asked my husband if he would save his former nurse or me if both of us were in peril and he could save only one. He insisted he would and could save both of us and that there never has been and never could be a situation where one person has not been able to save two people. When I pressed for an answer he replied that my question was ridiculous and he again insisted he would/could save both under all circumstances. I was deeply hurt because of the possibility that his answer meant he loved his nurse more than me. I asked the therapist if my husband really believes there has never been and never could be a situation where one person cannot save two people. She replied “of course he does not.” She could not understand why he did not say to me “you are my wife, of course I will save you first.” Then she thought his answer might have something to do with being a doctor. He would not want to think he could not save lives. As a doctor he knows he cannot save all lives so I disagree with the therapist’s analysis.

What is your opinion? Did my husband’s answer mean he loved his nurse more than me?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your husband’s answer probably had nothing to do with how he felt about you or his nurse. It’s probably more related to his opinion regarding the use of hypothetical questions — those imaginary what-if questions. When we pose hypothetical questions to a loved one, we already have the “right answer” in mind. If the individual does not offer the correct answer, then our interpretation is negative. When these questions contain the imaginary death of another person, they become more nasty. Imagine your response if he asked “If you could save only one person, who would you pick between your mother and your husband?”

Hypothetical questions are often part of court testimony and are disliked by professionals in that situation as well.

Asking such questions, while uncomfortable, is very common in your marital situation. The use of hypothetical questions is an attempt to understand how your husband thinks and makes decisions. In your position, you are trying to obtain information about where you stand…and this is normal. Using hypothetical questions is probably just a poor technique. Rather, look for other pieces of evidence such as his willingness to repair/rebuild the relationship, his willingness to engage in behaviors that make you feel safe, and his admission that he participated in the situation. As in court testimony, hypothetical questions are often more misleading and confusing than helpful. Decisions by juries and judges are never made based on hypotheticals but rather on the observable evidence and responses to direct and specific real-world questions.

Continue working on your relationship and don’t be sidetracked by hypothetical questions. Ask direct questions instead such as “Do you love me?” and “Are you willing to repair our relationship?”