Why Can’t I Settle Down After Several Moves?

Reader’s Question

In 2005 my husband and I returned to the UK to look after my elderly father. In 2007 we returned to Oz (Australia) to look after my husband’s mother, but she passed away and we returned to the UK, unable to find work in Australia. I just couldn’t settle. I found my hubby a job back in Oz and we returned March 18th this year. Now I want to go back to the UK. Why can’t I settle?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Let’s see…in the past three years you’ve completely relocated from Oz to UK to Oz to UK to Oz and are now considering going back to the UK. During that time your mother passed away and your husband was unemployed. In answer to your question — Why can’t I settle? — You haven’t had time to settle down. What you are describing is an extremely stressful three year period during which time your entire life was unsettled and unpredictable. Under such severe stress, it’s impossible to settle down.

I suspect you were comfortable and settled down prior to the beginning of these multiple relocations in 2005. I also suspect your husband, after obtaining his recent job in OZ, is starting to resettle his life. It’s very likely that you are still disorganized by the multiple moves and stresses. If we think about a definition for “settling down” — it may be the establishment of residence, friends, employment, and a new identity and lifestyle in a new location. Having arrived in March 2008, you may need additional months to develop a lifestyle in Oz and it’s likely to be different than the lifestyle prior to 2005. Once that happens, you will have officially settled.

A word of caution however. With your three-year history of significant relocations and stresses, it’s possible that you are experiencing a form of moderate depression and/or stress. Moderate depression would actually be expected based on your situation. If you are moderately depressed, you’ll not only have the sense of being unsettled, but sleep disturbance, appetite problems, lack of motivation, fatigue, irritability, and a host of other symptoms. With a prolonged high stress level, these symptoms develop gradually and are often not seen as depression until crying spells develop. If you do have additional symptoms above and beyond feeling unsettled, I’d consult with a mental health professional. You might also want to review some of the articles and screening tests for depression on this website.