Girlfriend Has Severe Emotional and Behavioral Episodes

Reader’s Question

It’s been one month since we’ve started living together and there have been three major episodes of uncontrollable crying, screaming, hyperventilating, hitting herself, and screaming “I want to die”. Her skin breaks out in a rash and she claws at herself. The episode lasts about 1 hour and soon afterwards she seems to be fine. She then is very upset with me if I act like something really bad has just happened, and she criticizes me for not loving her more after it happens. I think she’s really stressed out and has too many projects going on. I want to help her with them but I myself would never take on so much. She can’t slow down, is terribly moody, antisocial, and prone to mood swings.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Her reactions can be a combination of depression and the increased stress of moving in together. Couples often begin living together as an expression of their commitment but forget that such a dramatic change in both lifestyles is highly stressful. She may be building tension, feelings, resentment, anxiety, etc. to the point of periodic emotional explosions. These emotional episodes are clearly neurochemical events as well as emotional events. Breaking out in a rash, clawing at herself, hyperventiliation, etc. tell us that she is experiencing a neurochemical release.

She would benefit from mental health consultation and treatment. Three episodes per month is enough to say treatment is needed, especially when we consider the severity of these explosions. Medications can help not only improve her mood, but control these outbursts from a neurochemical standpoint. I would encourage her to seek treatment as part of improving the atmosphere in the new arrangement.

Something you mentioned does create a concern. If she is not viewing these episodes as an indication that her stress level is high, that she needs to manage them, and that she needs treatment — then she may actually be somewhat accepting of them. If she feels these outbursts are part of her personality and you should learn to live with them and love her more when they happen — that’s not a good sign. It may suggest that these are fairly common for her and she may feel totally justified in these outbursts. When people have an attitude that expresses “I just screamed, cried, clawed myself, and wanted to die — but I’m OK now” — that’s not good. The flip side of that attitude is that:

• you are expected to understand explosions and not have bad feelings about her,
• you are expected to tolerate the anger, hostility, and violent behavior that comes in your direction, and
• you are expected to now accept this type of behavior as part of your life and living situation.

I’d recommend a type of cautious probation here. When these occur, something very bad is happening. If she’s ignoring their impact on the relationship, that’s not good. If these outbursts continue, or become more frequent, then this is part of her personality rather than the first-month jitters or a high stress level or signs of depression.