Ending a Friendship with a Personality Disorder

Reader’s Question

I am considering ending a relationship with a friend of almost 10 years, because I’m worried he may have an incurable mental disorder. “Friend” is misleading, as our relationship has been semi-sexual and… not very friendly. He seems to be completely self-absorbed, emotionally retarded (not displaying emotions), lacking remorse and empathy, incapable of intimacy in any real form. Ex: He occasionally calls me late at night with grandiose professions of love, but will claim the exact opposite the next day. He instigates explicit sexual conversations, but cannot handle physical contact with me except on very rare occasions (sexual encounters in which he had to exercise complete dominance and control; also he refuses to have intercourse). He regularly makes plans with me that he has no intention of keeping. I stumbled across an article about psychopathy, and he seems to fit all of the non-criminal descriptions perfectly, with one major exception: sociopaths are supposed to be free from anxiety, something he experiences in excess. He is an artist and lives alone, and claims he has many friends, is very intelligent and charming, and is generally functional. Do you think this is an amalgamation of several disorders? What kind of treatment is available for them?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s very likely you’re dealing with a “personality disorder“. As you discovered in your readings on psychopathy, there are non-criminal versions of antisocial personality. However, I think you’re dealing with a “Narcissistic Personality” (NP) rather than antisocial. A NP is often socially skilled, totally self-absorbed, grandiose, deceptive, manipulative, and charming. A Narcissistic Personality doesn’t experience anxiety as much as they sense frustration, aggravation, irritation, and anger when their selfish goals and desires are not being met. The NP tends to be more socially functional than an antisocial personality and is more difficult to identify unless you are emotionally close to them…a closeness that goes only in one direction as you discovered.

I’d recommend reading my introduction to personality disorders on this website. I’d also review my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships. While you’ve tried to maintain a friendship with him, he’s maintaining you in a specific role or position in his life — hoping to keep you available by using promises, lies, deceptions, and random contacts.

He is emotionally dangerous to you, so I’d agree that ending the friendship is for your own protection. He’s involved for only his purpose and agenda and is actually unconcerned that you have difficulties with his behavior. One technique is lowering his credit — reducing him to the level of an acquaintance — someone you know but don’t date, don’t take late night calls, don’t have an intimdate relationship with, and whom you don’t allow involvement in your life.

Sadly, there is little or no treatment for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Treatment of all personality disorders is very difficult because:

• they feel everyone else is wrong — not them,
• their behavior works for them so they have no need to change,
• they don’t emotionally invest in relationships so they have no motivation to make it better,
• they often see treatment as another opportunity for manipulation, etc.

Personality disorders make up 9 to 15 percent of the adult population. When we identify them, we protect ourselves by keeping them at a safe distance emotionally and socially.