Helping My Daughter Recover from an Abusive Relationship

Reader’s Question

How can I help my daughter recover from the effects of a year long emotionally abusive affair? She is a bright, intelligent, attractive 24 year old girl, studying at university. Yet the affair has left her deeply depressed, and convinced that she cannot go on without this man, who has caused nothing but total misery. Things came to a head recently after she cut her wrist, thankfully not too serious an injury as it turned out, but this after her boyfriend had ended the relationship, which has been turned off and on like a tap at his will, practically every day over the past few months. At this point I intervened with the boyfriend’s parents asking that they keep their son away from her, thus allowing some space, but any further advice would be most gratefully received!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The ex-boyfriend may be one of those individuals I describe in my article entitled “Identifying Losers in Relationships“. If so, he has no interest in protecting your daughter’s mental health, career or future. Rather, he is interested in keeping her “available for abuse”. Losers keep ex-partners on “back burner” and don’t detach completely…just in case they need something.

Regarding her recovery, here are some guidelines:

• Recommend that she read both my “Identifying Losers in Relationships” article and the followup article entitled “Love and Stockholm Syndrome“. Both discuss emotionally damaging relationships and how to recover.
• Your daughter will be depressed and emotionally exhausted from this relationship. She may need antidepressant medications to recover from the physical symptoms of depression that include sleep and appetite problems, severe fatigue, low motivation/interest, crying spells, etc.
• Professional counseling/therapy would also be helpful. Abusers often brainwash the victims to feel their parents are against them or the relationship. For this reason, it’s helpful when a third party, nonfamily professional identifies the abusive aspects of the relationship.
• Remember that your daughter’s self-esteem and self-confidence have been severely damaged at this point. She may not be recovered enough to return to the university full-time in the fall. A period of treatment and recovery time may be needed.
• Remember that she’s been told the end of the relationship was her fault. Losers never accept responsibility for their mistreatment of others. As she begins to talk about what happened, you’ll be amazed at her interpretation. You’ll need to remind her of his behavior.
• Allow her some silence and space. She has clearly been traumatized by the situation. Encourage her to return to an earlier level of memories — Mom and daughter at the mall, cooking, etc. Ask her to read my article on Emotional Memory. It may help her deal with the traumatic memories.
• Contacting his mother is appropriate. Your daughter’s defenses are down and she will need your protection. She may have difficult protecting herself at this point. If he continues to contact her, with your daughter’s permission, a restraining order should be considered. Any relationship that prompts us to cut our wrists require above-average intervention and protection.

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