Grandmother Wants to Share Bath with Granddaughter

Reader’s Question

I have had numerous ‘issues’ with my mother-in-law. She slept in the same bed with her son until he was 13 years old. She said he was the one having trouble sleeping alone. She is always in my husband’s and my life…not always in a good way. It took a very long time to sever the cord between them (we almost divorced). She just refused to let go and he knew there was something ‘not right’ about her, but would not confront her due to previous ‘pity me’ events. She seems to need constant love and attention. She has a very good way of making you feel guilty if you tell her no. I could go on and on.

There are SO many concerns I have, but I will ask you one. My main concern right now is her relationship with my 9 year-old daughter. I know they love each other very much. My daughter is visiting her now (3 states away). Grandma insists on sleeping with her (which I guess I don’t mind?), but what bothers me is grandma’s insistence on taking a bath with her. I knew this would be an issue, so I told my daughter before she left NOT to do this. Should I be concerned? Will this scar my child in any way? I don’t even take baths/showers with her anymore. I don’t want my child to grow up ‘needy’ and ‘dependent’ like her father and uncle. The sad thing is, when my daughter told me this last night, I felt bad for reminding her that I was against this. I don’t want my daughter to think I am upset with her…I know it isn’t her fault.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your 9 year old daughter should not be taking a bath with grandmother. Grandmother wants a team bath on her personal agenda, not for any positive outcome for your daughter. Sleeping with grandmother is not a big issue unless your daughter expresses discomfort about the situation.

The major issue you’re facing is the mother-in-law’s insistence on behaviors that meet her needs. As a parent, you have the right to dictate terms of your daughter’s visitation. You should inform the grandmother what is and isn’t acceptable. For most healthy adults, there are normal boundaries for acceptable behavior related to visiting children, especially overnight or extended visits. When children are visiting — Dad doesn’t walk around in his underwear, We don’t spank the visiting children, We don’t allow them to high-dive into the pool from the house roof, etc.

Grandmother should be informed of your expectations, including the No-Team-Bath rule. While she may protest, her opinion and philosophy regarding the situation is irrelevant — you’re the parent! If she does not follow your guidelines, the daughter will not visit alone or overnight. You must be all-business about this matter. Your husband may not be supportive to you as he has a fear of his mother’s guilt power. You’ll need to stand your ground that your 9 year old daughter will not be exposed to adult nudity in any manner. That’s your rule. It’s your way…or not the highway to Grandma’s house.

Your mother-in-law shows some signs we see in personality disorders, especially histrionic type. I’d recommend reading my introduction to personality disorders for additional information on managing these individuals in our life.