Puberty and Gender Identity

Reader’s Question

I’m 13 years old, coming up for 14 years old. Ever since puberty started (when I was 13 years old), I have this strange feeling that I am a girl. Half of me thinks that way when I am alone, while the other half acts normally when I’m around others. I don’t know why, but this condition is worsening. I recently read about a gender change, and now have an strong urge to do the same, but am also afraid and stressed. Please help me!

– Stressed and confused

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The arrival of puberty is a highly stressful event — psychologically, emotionally, and physically. Puberty turns on our sexuality. For some, it’s like turning on a light switch — they notice the lights on and go about their business. For others, it’s throwing the “on” switch at a nuclear power plant! During puberty we are flooded with sexual thoughts and due to our age and lack of experience with sexual issues, these sexual thoughts become worries, preoccupations, obsessions, etc. Some common worries:

• Are the feelings and thoughts I’m experiencing “normal”?
• Are my new, intense sexual feelings and physical reactions “normal”?
• With my physical gender being suddenly activated — is it the correct gender?
• I’m suddenly paying attention to sexual issues in the media — does this mean something?
• My puberty experience may be earlier, later, weaker, or stronger than my fellow students. What does that mean? Is that good or bad?
• I may be interested in sexual things…is that good or bad? Normal or abnormal?

One key factor is your mention that you think that way “when I am alone”. When with friends, you behave normally and have no issues in this area. However, when alone, you are flooded with sexual thoughts and concerns — creating the need to write this question. This is a common experience during puberty. Questions and confusion about gender issues are usually due to a lack of sexual education/experience or misunderstandings about gender.

If you have no gender or sexual issues when with friends or in social settings, this is probably not an important issue. However, as you experience questions — seek answers. Talk to a trusted adult or your family physician if you have an opportunity. Talk to a guidance counselor. Again, these thoughts and concerns are very common in puberty and at the age of 14 years. Having these thoughts does not predict the future. During your teen years, you’ll have many confusing thoughts due to your combination of curiosity, intelligence, experience, and partial-understanding of the adult world. While we often speak of the physical “growing pains” common in teens, there are emotional and psychological growing pains as well. This experience is likely to be one of those for you.