Close Friend is Pouting…Should I Call Her or Leave Her Alone?

Reader’s Question

My close woman friend is not communicating with me at this time. We usually would talk every day. We had a verbal disagreement (she did not like me speaking up to her about something she had said to me a week earlier). She said that I was not clean in my communication w/her and said she needed space. I called her a week later to see how she was. Her dog is terminally ill. She said she was glad that I called and she would call me back that night. That was 5 days ago. Should I call her or leave her alone?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You confronted her about something, she became offended, and now she’s pouting. This is a type of passive-aggressive retaliation for the verbal disagreement, withdrawing communication due to her resentment or irritation. This is a very real example of not being “clean” in communication. She’s not being honest with you about how she feels and continues to feel. Sadly, this is likely to be her style.

Should you call her back…Yes. Contact her on a schedule, maybe once every four days. Make your contact brief but supportive. During these contacts she will either resume your original communication schedule (a sign she’s forgiven you), or completely fade away. I often recommend the approach mentioned in the song by 38 Special entitled “Hold On Loosely”. We maintain a friendly contact yet keep an emotional distance.

Your relationship with this close friend may be changing. With predictable contacts you’ll eventually be able to decide if the relationship 1) is over completely, 2) has been downgraded from close friend to friend, or 3) is in the process of returning to the original close friendship. This may be a temporary withdrawal due to recent stresses in her life.

If this is a frequent pattern, you may need to reduce her from close friend to “friend” for your own protection. People who feel entitled to pout and punish us when we speak our opinion are often too stressful to maintain at the close friend level.