Am I Right To Lose Trust in My Boyfriend?

Reader’s Question

Six months ago, an esteemed professional and business “authority” started calling me frequently, complaining about his wife. It was such an honour to even speak to the person, that I longed for these calls, and gradually fell in love with him. We seemed to have everything in common, or so I thought. He soon decided to end his loveless marriage in order to be with me. However, after months of happiness and amazing passion, I started to feel annoyed due to his egoism, his superficial self-esteem, and lack of objectivity in case of disagreements with people. I started to question whether his wife was the monster that he described, or simply his victim.

I felt so annoyed of him accusing her and making fun of her, that I actually asked him to break-up as I felt sympathy for her, although I’ve never met her. From the start he used to lie to his kids and colleagues in order to meet me. “Traffic jams and meetings” were his usual excuses in order to see me. And yet, I gradually started to notice how easy it was for him to lie, to make artificial (TV or Radio) noises in order to prove that he was “stuck in traffic”, etc. And mistrust came along.

Please advise, am I right to have lost my trust for him? Is it natural not to wish to know him any better, not to look forward to his dream-promises about marriage, kids, yachts, trips around the world, etc.?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

What you are seeing are signs of a narcissistic personality (see my introduction to personality disorders in relationships). If we think about what his lies, deceptions, and invented excuses represent, his personal desires override any promises, agreements, responsibilities, and obligations he may have in the community. He has no concern for how his lies/deceptions impact others. You’ll also notice these negative behaviors are part of his lifestyle and normal method of operation. He lies to everyone and has no problem lying to his children or co-workers. There’s no loyality or commitment to honesty here. He’s also a master manipulator. As an example, he didn’t first call you accidentally — he selected you as a target, “groomed” you with a sad story and the use of his position in the community, then engaged in a relationship with you. “Grooming” by the way is a collection of behaviors used by sexual predators and con artists to first develop a relationship with the target/victim, gradually move closer emotionally/physically, gain their trust, then gradually use them for their selfish purpose.

Like most personality disorders, he will continue his relationship with you as long as it meets his needs. It’s unlikely that he’s concerned about your needs. As for his misbehavior, he’ll never take responsibility for his damage to others — someone else will always be blamed, just as he’s blamed his wife. Even if his wife were a “monster” as he describes, would that permit him to lie to his children, friends, and others? It’s sad, but if and when your relationship ends with him — he’ll “groom” his next target by telling them that he had a happy marriage, you seduced him and broke up the marriage, and that he’s a total innocent victim of circumstances.

I think it’s very appropriate that you’ve recognized the danger signs in this individual. I would now do your homework — read the article on Personality Disorders and another on Identifying Losers in Relationships (both on this website). Observe his behavior for a while. You’ll notice that the lies and deceptions are unrelated to you — that he actually lies and deceives as a lifestyle. If you decide to detach and end the relationship, I’ve provided strategies in the Identifying Losers article.