60 Year Old Husband Sliding Into Depression and His Past

Reader’s Question

I am married to a man who was severely abused as a child. We are both 60 this year. In our early years together he was difficult to live with at times, but basically OK and generally very loving. Over the last few years he says he’s become very depressed and anxious. He lost his job 7 years ago and has made no attempt to become re-employed. Over the past couple of years he seems to be reliving memories from his childhood. He has terrible nightmares and he talks a lot more about the abuse. I sometimes feel like I’m reliving it with him. A lot of days he says he doesn’t feel well and he seems to lack energy or motivation for anything. He won’t go to counseling. I’m beginning to feel trapped in a nightmare with him and I don’t know what to do.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your husband is likely experiencing a moderate-to-severe clinical depression. Following the loss of his job/career seven years ago, he became depressed which is very common. Depression, at a severe level, immobilizes and incapacitates the individual. Depression also contains multiple physical symptoms such as chronic and intense fatigue, poor concentration, impaired sleep, loss of interest/motivation, appetite disturbance, and vague physical aches/cramps.

As depression intensifies, the brain begins to torment/torture the individual — typically by finding and reviewing the most uncomfortable memories in the person’s background. Your husband is now being tortured by not only those memories — but by the feelings contained in those memories. He’s being hit with “emotional memories” — memories that contain details of an event (abuse for example) and the mood that was present at the time. This creates the feeling that he is reliving and reexperiencing the abuse — even though it’s been over 50 years at this point. You can read more about “emotional memories” in my article on this website.

Your husband’s depression will only get worse over time. Sadly, the journey into depression has been so gradual that he’s not noticed it. He won’t attend counseling because he doesn’t connect all his symptoms and memories with being depressed — thinking perhaps that he’s not depressed because he hasn’t “lost” anything. A stress-produced depression is actually the most common type of clinical depression.

Due to the physical symptoms of depression, it’s often helpful to encourage him to visit his physician first, focusing on the inability to sleep, fatigue, etc. You can contact the physician early and discuss your concern that your husband might be depressed. Your husband can be effectively treated with medication and counseling/therapy. At present however, he feels he is being tormented by his past and is currently living in the Mood of that past. It would also help if children and/or family would support your efforts to obtain help.

There are many depression resources on this website. You can also find an article on depression on my website at www.drjoecarver.com. Seeking treatment and advice on this issue is a step in the right direction.