22 Year Old Boyfriend Seems Content Doing Very Little

Reader’s Question

I am a 22 year-old student from New York. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend of the same age for almost two years. He is a very loving, caring and self-less partner. When I met him, he was still finishing up his High School diploma in an adult school, and had told me that the reasons for his delay were his lack of motivation and self-confidence. All throughout our relationship, I have encouraged him and have tried to help him regain that self-confidence he never fully developed as a child. When he finally graduated this year, however, he announced to me that he did not quite know what he wanted to do in life, and therefore, he intended to take a year off school to work and hopefully discover which career path he is best to take.

I have to admit that this was a decision I could not understand. It frustrates me that he is wasting so much time, considering that he has already wasted enough already. This “time off” that he is taking is spent working a few hours a day at a warehouse during the weekdays. When I told him that he was not meant to spend his professional career in a warehouse and to look for job experience that might be more suitable to his true intellectual capacities, he begs me to give him time and to give him a break as he was a “slow bloomer”. I could not understand how long he needed a “break”, considering that he had an 8 year-long “break” already to finish his secondary studies! I have encouraged him to see a career counselor (the career counselor was, according to him, utterly inefficient), research careers that could possibly interest him (instead this time is spent sleeping until 3 PM, playing poker or video games, and the books that he has been brought by his parents have been left unopened) and to consult a psychologist (he left after 2 sessions, saying that it was pointless). He has also given his resumes to other companies, but has limited his applications to warehouse positions, which defeats his whole time off for so-called self-discovery.

Even his parents have been blowing up temper tantrums, frustrated at their son, who is wasting his potential away. I would find myself giving these sermons, but at the end, I would sometimes have to hold myself back, as he is already getting enough nagging from his family and friends. He feels that I am the only person who could support him in all this, so I would remain silent and guilty, yet resentful. He constantly blames his “childhood” and his parents’ handing everything to him in a silver platter for his past and current failures, but I cannot help but feel frustrated that this man is not owning up to his mistakes and pointing the blame at these two people.

At this point, I do feel that I am torn. I love him, but as time passes, I am becoming desperate for ways I could possibly help him. When you’re in a relationship, I know that you’re supposed to love a person for who he is, but I also know that he is not reaching for his maximum potential and remains comfortable in this rut, which angers me. I’m not sure whether I should join the bandwagon of the people with their constant nagging or if I should remain supportive and accepting of his decisions, even though I have been so during the past 2 years and have not seen much results, except for a High School Diploma long due.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You’re not dealing with low self-confidence, a slow-bloomer, or his attempts to find his way in life. These are personality features. Your boyfriend is showing some signs we find in Personality Disorders that include 1) immaturity, 2) refusal to accept responsibility for their mistakes and situations, 3) blaming others for their difficulties, 4) a sense of entitlement, and many others. While you, his parents, and his family fuss and fight with him — he’s totally comfortable with his life. A Personality Disorder only needs to do enough to make them happy — not their girlfriend or family. He’s happy with his current situation and probably has no real interest in changing at this point. To stop the nagging he’s completed high school but he’s called it quits at that level. He’s content with his lifestyle and sadly, he’s not concerned that his lifestyle upsets you, his parents, or those around him.

While you mention that he’s loving and self-less, that’s only partially true. He’s probably more selfish than self-less if we consider that for most of us, loving someone makes us want to be a better person, do our best for them, allow them to feel proud of us, etc. He has few concerns about improving his situation and even blames his childhood, his parents, his parenting, etc. for his current marginal lifestyle.

I’m afraid that what you see is what you get…and will likely always get from him. He’s not uncomfortable with the way he lives…he’s only uncomfortable when others try to make him improve his life. At your age of 22 years, you must protect yourself and your future. I’d recommending placing the relationship on a secret probation — perhaps four to six months. During that time, try to improve his situation, convince him to improve his life, and see if he responds. If nothing changes, it probably won’t for years to come. At that time, I’d end the relationship and move on.

My response may sound harsh, but it’s not nearly as harsh as being in a relationship for the next ten or fifteen years with someone who views sleeping late, playing video games and poker, and working enough for spending money as his permanent lifestyle. You’re going to need to make a very difficult and very adult decision very soon. I’d read my introduction to personality disorders in relationships, available on this website, for additional information.