I Can’t Take It Any Longer…I’m Moving Out

Reader’s Question

My boyfriend is thirteen years younger than I. I moved with my job out west and he followed me. He moved into my apartment with the understanding that if he did not sell enough business to support himself in his freelance work he would get a full time job. It has been a year and a half. I am moving out. The reason I am moving out is he refuses to leave.

He has completely turned all responsibility for his life over to me. He doesn’t have a car. I have been forced to sell new business for him to stay afloat. He doesn’t bill his clients on time. He hasn’t switched his driver’s license to this state. He never goes to the doctor or dentist. All of his friends are through me. He is not affectionate towards me at all unless it’s “baby talk”. Everything is “cootsey patoostie” and “lovee pooh”. I have attempted to delegate responsibility to him to no avail. I walked up to a disconnect notice on the door when I gave him the light bill to pay. We never have sex. He wants to put his head on my shoulder.

I am leaving because I cannot bear it any longer. I have become his Mother and he is my adolescent rebellious son. He works hard but is not smart about billing and collecting payments. I am walking out of here and not looking back.

I think when I leave he will never leave the apartment. He doesn’t leave here for days. He has no friends. What type of behavior pattern does this appear to be? I am in counseling myself and have been told not to feel guilty. He is thirty-four years old and should be capable of taking care of himself.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This type of behavior fits a pattern known as a “personality disorder” (see introduction to personality disorders on this website). They are immature, self-absorbed, irresponsible, and preoccupied with their own needs. It’s quite likely that he moves from one dependent relationship to another — always using promises, deceptions, and a variety of manipulations to maintain his marginal lifestyle. This is also a life-long pattern and probably began in adolescence or early adulthood.

At the core of these personalities, they deny responsibility for their behavior and situation, exert only enough effort/work to maintain a minimal lifestyle, ignore normal responsibility/obligations/duties, have a tremendous sense of entitlement, and have absolutely no concern for how their behavior or lack of responsibility causes others difficulty. To maintain the sympathy/support of others they often use a fake personality or role such as being needy, incompetent, disorganized, emotionally fragile, etc. Sadly, it doesn’t bother him that you are the responsible adult, that you are providing financial support, or that you are distressed about the relationship. Totally selfish, he’s only concerned with his situation.

When you leave, he may remain, resisting eviction with a variety of promises and deceptions. At the same time, he’ll begin looking for another relationship (victim?). When he finds another target, he’ll use the tragic story about how you broke his heart and left him in an empty apartment. Some kind hearted individual will fall for it, he’ll quickly move in, and the cycle starts again. When we review his pattern, he can take care of himself and has done so for the past 18 months with you. He’s actually very skilled at taking care of only himself at the expense of others. This is a Personality Disorder. As your counselor probably told you — you didn’t cause this, you can’t fix it, you can’t live with it, and his pattern will continue long after you’ve left.

A warning, however: Personality Disorders always keep previous victims on “back burner” so he may contact you after you’ve left — maybe after months or even years. The story will always be the same — he realizes how he treated you, he’s fixed his problem, and he now wants to make up for all he’s done to you and the heartache he’s caused. If you fall for it, it’s another 18 months of the same stuff.

I’d read my article on Personality Disorders as well as my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships on this website. Personality Disorders make up 9 - 15 percent of the adult population and if we can’t identify them, they can create significant damage to our life. Move on, don’t look back, and keep it business…