Should I Attend My Daughter’s Wedding?

Reader’s Question

Our 29 year old daughter is planning to marry a man from Europe next month. We have witnessed many relationships gone awry with all types of men over the years. As her mother, I have heard only her side of the arguments and heartaches of her former relationships. I have determined it is my daughter’s demand for attention and manipulation that is causing so much distress. Histrionics is apparent in her behavior and it truly concerns me. She refuses to “pay” for professional help and frankly states that I’m the one who needs help.

We had a complete breakdown in communication when I refused to tolerate her inappropriate behavior and shallow expression of emotions regarding her husband to be and his young daughter. She refuses to speak to me or her sister about her upcoming wedding plans. In an email she asked me for several thousand dollars after the invitations were sent out. I am heartsick and saddened by her cavalier attitude about family and friends and the financial burden she has neglected the responsibility to right.

With the help of a psychologist I have determined it would be enabling to give her money for the wedding expenses that are extravagant and out of line considering their debt history. My conflict is whether or not to attend the wedding. We did receive an invitation, but my heart is telling me not to attend. What message or lesson would this evoke, if we did not attend? The “swanky event” is very soon. How can I respond in an enlightened positive way, when so much is at stake for our future relationships?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Thinking in “normal” terms is creating your distress. When you’re thinking about what messages would be sent by your behavior or how issues would impact on your relationship with your daughter, that’s “normal” thinking — not histrionic thinking. As you’ve determined, your daughter has her own egocentric interpretation of everything — her past boyfriends, money, family obligations, etc. It’s impossible to predict what her reaction will be from moment to moment. If you attend or don’t attend, your daughter will invent the message and you will have no control over it. If she’s angry with you, she’ll react negatively if you 1) attend, 2) don’t attend, 3) send money, 4) etc.

If she does have a Histrionic Personality (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website), your behavior will have nothing to do with her behavior. Personality disorders react, behave and feel based totally on their selfish and immature needs. It rarely has anything to do with the behavior of those around them and for this reason, our behavior rarely sends them a message of any kind.

As far as the wedding, your decision should be based on what you feel, not on what she would feel. With personality disorders, we must often behave in a normal, healthy manner despite their histrionics. In this situation, if you decide to attend the wedding, it’s to send a message to everyone else that you are still supportive of your daughter and recognize the importance of the wedding for her. If she sent you an invitation, this may be the proper response.

If you don’t attend, you run the risk of entering a long battle of emotional retaliation that may last for many years. In fact, she’ll eventually blame you for the failure of the marriage as you were not supportive from the beginning. If you attend, avoid drama as much as possible. You’ll still be blamed (histrionic folks never take responsibility for their behavior) but she can’t cite the wedding as the beginning of the problem.

If you attend, recognize that it will be a wedding for a “queen of drama”. In these situations, memorize “press releases” — rehearsed paragraphs to provide to those attending regarding sensitive issues. Drama queens often spread pre-drama before events, a form of gossip and questions about situations that she has shared with many different people. She may have told future in-laws about issues with you as parents for example. If questioned, a press release might sound like “We’re here to wish our daughter and son-in-law a great life. While we may not always see eye-to-eye, we want the best life possible for both of them.”

Your psychologist may be helpful in discussing strategies for specific situations you are likely to encounter. Remember that the wedding is not a place to discuss family issues so you want to minimize the drama from your side. Smile, be polite, and leave a bit early.