Overwhelmed by Needy, Depressed Mother

Reader’s Question

I am a 39 year old woman with a 2 and a half year old daughter. My mother has been depressed all of her life. I remember asking her to do something, see somebody etc. since I was 10-12 years old. She is now turning 66. She has always had very low self-esteem and is a very sensitive person.

She is going down hill physically (she has had colitis for over 10 years now) and is unable to remember conversations from the day or night prior, most likely because of the amount of wine she has consumed. She does not exercise and she looks for reasons to worry etc. I am running out of energy and patience — I have a daughter of my own now and resent having to walk around her problems, needs, and guilt trips when she refuses to do anything to help herself. Just writing this is making me angry. I feel like I have no ability to set up boundaries. My father is checked out and though he recognizes the problems to some degree he too is great at denial.

What should I do?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your father may not be in denial as much as he’s developed a strategy to deal with her behaviors. Many people, like your mother, develop a depressed lifestyle. On the one hand, the depression-based lifestyle is fairly miserable but at the same time it is a way to obtain support and sympathy from others, an excuse for alcohol use, and an excuse for not participating in life’s responsibilities. If we think about it, your mother may have used this strategy for the past many decades.

As you recognize, setting boundaries and managing her behavior is recommended in these situations. This is especially important now that you have parenting responsibilities. Some strategies are:

• Establish a schedule of contacts with your mother. That may include a few scheduled short visits per week, one trip to the grocery, etc. We can also include scheduled calls. The idea is to place your mother on your schedule and not keep your life on her schedule.
• Your mother probably uses her physical symptoms as a way to make you feel guilty. When she mentions her misery, volunteer to take her to her physician or arrange for professional consultation. The idea is to place the responsibility for her improvement on her. Unless this is done, as you noticed, she will complain and fret as a way of interacting with you, yet get nothing done.
• Your anger tells me you are feeling personally used, manipulated, and involved in her life-long misery. You’ll need to emotionally distance yourself from her behavior and manipulations. Rather than do everything for her, research and enlist the support of community programs for Senior Citizens if available in your area. Stop reacting immediately to her concerns. If she’s upset with you, use a pre-determined press release such as “I’ve been pretty busy as a new mother” — then leave.
• Over time, your mother will need to develop a new strategy to deal with your new strategy. She’ll begin talking about other issues. When this happens, you are free to discuss practical issues about her behavior such as “If you’re depressed, you need to see your physician first. I’ll help you with that, but not listen to your depression all the time without you trying to get help for it.” It’s about setting boundaries.
• Monitor yourself for emotional exhaustion or depression. A new child, parenting responsibilties, and your parents is quite a load. If you begin having problems sleeping, crying spells, etc. — these may be symptoms of depression. Take a few of the depression tests on this website. If you are becoming depressed, seek consultation with a mental health professional or begin with your family physician.
• Protect yourself. Sadly, people who operate like your mother have no concern for how their behavior is damaging you emotionally, socially, or personally. She is so self-involved that she can’t see that you’re having a difficult time. Your father has his personality strategy and viewpoint which absolves him of any responsibility. You’re on your own when it comes to protecting yourself.