Wife Secretly Emails Old Sweetheart

Reader’s Question

I discovered my wife was secretly emailing and IM’ing a past High School sweetheart and discussing our marriage problems and painting a picture that I am causing all the problems in our marriage. Naturally I was upset, hurt, outraged, confused, and angry. When I finally told her I knew, her excuse was “I didn’t tell you because I know how jealous you are and was protecting you form getting mad.” Well, she was right I did get mad!

OK, to make a long story short, I filed for divorce but we decided not to go through with it because of all we had to lose. Now, she is demanding I give her complete control over every aspect of my life because she insists, “I did nothing wrong and I didn’t cause all the problems you created when you filed for divorce!” So, I was the one who caused this whole mess but she did nothing to set it off?

I need to talk to someone quick or I will go totally mad. She insists I do nothing except what her and her four children need! In other words, I feel as if I am being controlled and can’t turn right or left, forward or backward without her and her children condemning me!

The depression is getting too heavy to handle.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As you describe, this is a complex situation. I would recommend seeking a counselor or therapist in your area. As a website that receives email from all over the globe, we don’t have information about mental health resources in all areas.

To find a therapist or counselor, we can look in phone directories or contact regional mental health agencies and programs. Your family physician is also a good source of who’s who in the region and can make a referral. The mention of depression also makes contacting our family physician even more important as the first step to gaining help and assistance for this family and marital issue.

Editor’s Note: You can also find useful information about seeking professional support — including suggestions on finding a counselor or therapist, how to choose one that’s right for you, and how to pay for services — in our section about counseling and psychotherapy. Our section of other web resources includes a professionally reviewed list of sites which may also be helpful.