More on Protecting Children from a Parent with a Personality Disorder

Reader’s Question

I wrote in before about how do we protect children who have a Histrionic and Narcissistic Personality Disorder mother as well as MBP. I have a new question if that is OK. How should we talk to the Personality Disorder mother when she wants to talk about the children and acts as if she has any parental rights when her only rights are the visits that she has? We have been following your suggestions — they have not been going into detail about their life, and she is threatening court and trying to push them to open up about that stuff during their visits. We try to talk to her to show that we are trying to meet in the middle, but is that really what we should be doing? It ends up being conversations about her and not even about the boys and about her feelings even though she says it’s not. That’s how it comes across and she tries to put us in our place but we do not back down when it comes to the safety and well being of our children. Also, where does one find someone who specializes in testifying about N & H personality disorders? Thanks so much; any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

A parent with a Personality Disorder (see my introduction to personality disorders in relationships) can create significant turmoil in a family. As you describe, a personality disorder (PD) individual has a tremendous sense of entitlement and selfishness that makes them very aggressive and threatening when their demands are not immediately met by those around them. They attempt to control every situation and in your case, will threaten legal action or another manipulation if you have control.

As a noncustodial parent, in most situations she has very limited legal rights unless those rights are granted or expanded by the court system. As custodial parents, you have a right to control who, when, where, and how people relate to your children unless otherwise specified by the courts.

You mention “We try to talk to her to show that we are trying to meet in the middle…”. That may be the issue that’s causing so much difficulty. PD individuals view all attempts to reason with them as an opportunity for manipulation. A personality disorder doesn’t talk “with” you — they talk “at” you. As normal, healthy parents you are trying to make her understand — and she isn’t interested in what you have to say. In dealing with personality disorders, our best approach is to inform them of your 1) rules for visitation, 2) boundaries for discussions and behavior, and 3) consequences for misbehavior. It’s similar to being stopped for speeding. The policeman tells you what you did wrong (speeding), he doesn’t discuss the merits of speeding law with you, and he informs you of the consequences (fine). At the same time he remains polite and strictly business.

The PD parent isn’t required to understand, accept, or even tolerate your rules and visitation procedures. She is required to visit within her court rights and accept the situation. Aggression, hostility, or temper tantrums on her part will automatically end the visitation. Keep a diary of each visit and her behavior. Keep the situation very businesslike. Keep in mind that the court, not the PD parent, has put you in your place — as the responsible and custodial parents. It’s now your job to enforce and maintain that position and protect the children from the selfish and immature behavior. While she may feel entitled to rant and rage about her situation — you’re not required to listen to it.

When you hire someone to babysit or work on your home you also provide them with guidelines. What you want them to do, what is and isn’t allowed, and your position about certain issues (no smoking in the home, no alcohol, no visitors, etc.). As your contact with them continues, you point out what you like about the relationship and what needs to change on their part. With the PD mother, that may sound like “We appreciate you visiting on time but we won’t permit you to yell at us in our home. If that happens again, we’ll need to meet in a public place and shorten the visitation times.” Strictly business, no philosophical discussions, and no real attempt to make her understand your position.

Stay strong and on the course. You’ll find that her behaviors and manipulations will change from time to time as she tries new strategies to manipulate her situation.