Recovering from an Abusive Childhood

Reader’s Question

I’m a 25-year-old female struggling to recover from an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive childhood. I’m also battling Social Phobia / Avoidant Personality Disorder. Often, I kept my mouth shut and withdrew into myself to avoid conflicts and felt anxious when I could feel them brewing. Even now, watching others argue or fight distresses me.

My father was a man who appeared affable and easy-going outside of the home but was extremely domineering, verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. (In our culture, corporal punishment is favoured and other forms of punishment viewed as weakness in parenting). Opposing viewpoints would be met with either threats of blows, or blows and nasty words. He embarrassed us in front of our friends, took over our personal space, was demanding and insulting with regards to school work, and constantly reminded us that he was in charge, that he paid the bills. As recently as last year, he got involved in an argument between my mother and me and slapped me in my face for being a ‘rude child.’

I have a much better relationship with my mother, but can’t help feeling some resentment towards her. Often, to keep the peace, her intervention was not as vocal and persistent as it should’ve been. She is not a timid person by nature, but felt that too much intervention would somehow emasculate him. Sometimes she herself was overbearing by being perfectionistic, demanding and too conscious of how she/we appeared to others. When I discuss the past, she admits that it happened and is regretful, but makes excuses for my father, saying that he acted out of ignorance and was spoiled as a child. She keeps pushing for some kind of reconciliation between my father and me, but I do not want one.

I am presently away on studies, but will soon finish them. I am interested in seeking professional help, but am unsure of exactly what type of therapy would be effective. How do I go about recovery from the disorder? How should I handle my parents?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Developing avoidant features is not unusual considering your upbringing in an intimidating family environment. During your childhood you developed many “emotional memories” — memories that contain not only the details of the bad situations, but the emotions at that time as well. These Emotional Memories now surface any time you witness, anticipate, or participate in loud discussions, arguments, etc. You can read about strategies to deal with these in my article on Emotional Memory on this website.

When you think about dealing with your parents, here are some general considerations:

• Your mother has experienced the same behavior from your father for over 25 years. For her own emotional and physical health, she may have developed behaviors often seen in Stockholm Syndrome. This is why she defends him, minimizes the impact of his behavior, and continues to support him.
• Your father’s behavior is directly related to his personality — not directly related to you. There is likely nothing you can do, say, or arrange that will improve his behavior. His behavior remains the same. It doesn’t matter if you are present or absent.
• Your mother’s emphasis on reconciliation with your father is a classic attempt to reduce the stress in the home and keep the peace. Like you, she has become emotionally traumatized by his behavior and for that reason wants to reduce the opportunity for such outbursts in the home.
• You have no need to “reconcile” with your father. Rather, you may now have a need to develop an effective strategy to deal with his behavior. As a young adult, you are now independent and don’t need his approval to be successful and happy in life. Returning home as an adult, you can
  • recognize that your father has his personality,
  • don’t take it personally,
  • don’t feel you need to convince him or argue with him,
  • minimize the personal information you provide to him,
  • look at each visit home as a “visit” — not an involvement in the family turmoil, and
  • research how to deal with difficult people such as reading my introduction to personality disorders in relationships, available on this website.
• Remember that you successfully completed your studies by developing a different strategy to cope with each professor, mentor, supervisor, or roommate. You’ve probably worked with great folks, obnoxious individuals, incompetent ones, etc. With each, you develop a strategy and the same is now true of your father. An effective strategy can maintain the peace, protect you and your mother, and lower your stress.
• Some factors to include in your strategy might be:
  • short visits only,
  • visit with a friend to inhibit his outbursts,
  • avoid topics that will trigger his emotional memories,
  • communicate more by email/phone than face-to-face,
  • don’t try to solve childhood issues in these brief visits, and
  • recognize that you have difficult people in your life (like most of us do!) and dealing with these folks is a part of life.

Counseling/therapy would be very helpful for you. You are involved in a transition from youth to adulthood. Your father’s behavior is part of your past — something you don’t want to continue as an issue in your new adult life.