I Feel Like I’m Going Crazy Fighting with Myself in My Head

Reader’s Question

I am 21 and in the military. Over 2 years ago I got drunk and made out with guys. I told my boyfriend everything and we moved on. He and I are still together and plan to get married. Recently I started remembering everything I ever did, playing with it all in my head and feeling guilty about it. So much kept popping up — everyday things that are insignificant — and it made me feel like what else am I going to remember one day, and how long is this going to go on? And then all of a sudden I started to think what if one day I remember something terrible? Like I slept with someone? Even though I know I didn’t and I talked to girlfriends there with me and they said I did nothing of the sort. I was still scared that maybe the reason I don’t remember is because I blocked it out because it was too painful. I have talked to my parents and priest and they feel I am overreacting, and it has to be real traumatic to block it out, but I have myself convinced. I am so scared I feel like I am going crazy fighting with myself in my head.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Like everyone has told you:

1. You didn’t do any more than you currently remember,
2. You’re not blocking out hidden memories or traumas,
3. You’ve not done something terrible that you don’t remember, and
4. You will not suddenly remember a terrible experience in the middle of your future life.

That being said, there is something wrong here…but it’s not what you think. What you are experiencing is very common in a stress-produced depression. Here’s what happens:

• Your life gradually becomes more stressful for any number of reasons such as work, school, military, life, family, romance and even getting married. Good things are stressful too because they’re obligations and responsiblities.
• The brain attempts to manage the additional stress and as a result, our brain levels of the neurotransmitter Serotonin decrease. As Serotonin levels decrease in the brain, we begin to experience the symptoms of depression.
• As depression arrives, we experience chronic fatigue, poor concentration, increased thinking speed, poor sleep (brain won’t shut up talking), loss of romantic interest, appetite problems, and anxiety.
• As Serotonin continues to decrease, it reaches a level where obsessive-compulsive behavior develops. We become obsessed with guilt and traumatic events of our past. The brain will often become fixated on a single event or experience — as in your case. We also become overwhelmed by guilt and the sense that we are now unworthy and undeserving of a good life.
• As your depression intensifies, you will become more obsessed to the point that you will volunteer to end the relationship with your boyfriend due to what you feel is your past — even though you’re not sure what events were present. At this point, your boyfriend becomes totally confused as none of this makes sense to him.

This is a depression and has nothing to do with making out in the past or actually any of your past experiences. When depressed, our brain torments us with the most uncomfortable memories or thoughts it can find in our head. This creates that sense of fighting with your own thoughts.

One in four adults experiences this type of depression. You’ll need to seek a combination of 1) counseling and therapy and 2) an antidepressant medication. Antidepressant medications work to increase the levels of Serotonin in the brain. As the levels come up, the obsessive guilt and thoughts will gradually fade — returning to your memories. I’d also read my articles on Chemical Imbalance and Understanding Depression on my website at www.drjoecarver.com. This website has depression screening tests and additional information about depression.

Your situation is very treatable. Do your homework, read up on depression, and arrange for treatment. The sooner you begin treatment, the sooner you’ll return to a healthy young woman who is planning to get married.