Why Do People Use the Phrase “It’s Too Bad”?

Reader’s Question

I have a question for you that I hope you can answer. On many occasions I hear the phrase “It’s too bad …” I can’t quite figure it out. A person has a fender bender and someone will say something like “it’s too bad you had to drive downtown today”. A kid scores three touchdowns in a football game and “it’s too bad it was already done last week”. A lady goes to the city to see a theatrical play and “it’s too bad Phantom of the Opera wasn’t on”. You can see where I’m going with this.

What is it that compels people to say something like this? It deflates people, it gives them regret. It assumes that their timing was bad, or they made bad choices. What is the proper response when a person hears this? It seems like it is a sign of envy. It is like saying if that person was in control these things could not happen.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

In casual conversation, there is an obligation to participate in the discussion, like tossing a ball back and forth. What a person says in response to a comment or story often says a lot about their personality and/or attitude. Individuals who use the “It’s too bad” tend to be negative, pessimistic, and even jealous. For some, the phrase is a “disclaimer” they add to what they’ve heard to make the story less important, less interesting, or of less value. They have actually taken the story or comment personally and feel the need to reply with something that diminishes the story or event — thus making them feel better. You’re correct that envy is often involved. It’s true that our view of the world is actually a window into our view of our life. You’ll find that the “It’s too bad” is only used by certain people — but they use it consistently.

Positive, upbeat, and emotionally healthy individuals actually share the joy of those around them. Imagine secretly videorecording a scene where you tell five people that you’ve won a free trip to a great vacation site. After you make the announcement, review the video and look at the expressions on their face. Positive, healthy folks will be all-smiles, appreciating how you must feel to have such good fortune. Others may have no smile or a sullen reaction — that’s the “It’s too bad…” crowd. They actually reveal how their life is going in such situations. It’s almost impossible for them to mask/hide their envy — producing the “It’s too bad…” comments as a socially appropriate form of jealousy.

To deal with it — recognize that their reaction is actually their personality and life. It has nothing to do with the your situation. When you encounter such negativity, you have several options. Using the “Too bad Phantom of the Opera wasn’t on” example, your reply could be:

• Positive: “I’m just happy to have seen a Broadway play. It makes me want to see more now.”
• Neutral: “Maybe I’ll have an opportunity to see Phantom of the Opera some day.”
• Nasty: “I’ll put Phantom of the Opera on my list. What great Broadway play did you last see?”

I’d recommend remaining positive. Entertain yourself with the reactions of others. Negative, envious and unhappy people are everywhere. For many it’s a lifestyle. Share your stories and participate in conversations with as many positive people as possible. Ignore the “It’s too bad” crowd.