Childhood Memories Intruding Into Young Adulthood

Reader’s Question

I grew up as an only child with a mother who very likely has some sort of personality disorder. Her behavior put me under constant distress, which I dealt with by cutting as a teenager. There were very few friends I felt I could let in on my “big secret.”

Now that I’m a young adult, I keep my mom at a distance so she is rarely a problem anymore. But my distress remains, and is somehow getting worse. I can’t seem to let things go. Even relatively small negative events send me in a downward spiral of emotion, over which I have almost no control. A few days ago, my boyfriend unknowingly provoked me and I was sobbing and screaming and throwing things and even tried to get out of a moving car. Last night, an uncomfortable dinner with a pushy relative threw me into a crying spell as soon as I got home, during which I felt a terrible searing pain in my heart. These outbursts are getting harder and harder to endure. And I’m becoming incredibly afraid of “losing it” in front of people — besides the 1 or 2 people who know what I’m going through. And to them, I feel a remorse beyond words, as I’m so ashamed of my behavior and the toll it takes on them.

I know you must often hear people say they can’t afford therapy. But I really can’t. I have about $100 in my bank account, and I support myself with no network to fall back on. That said, I’m still hopeful. Even if I can’t pay someone else to help me, there must be some way I can help myself. Can you recommend anything?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Living with a parent with a Personality Disorder (PD) is emotionally traumatic. Situations involving them create strong Emotional Memories. These memories contain both the details of our traumatic situation with the parent and the feelings we had at that time. As a young adult, while you have successfully detached from PD mother, you haven’t yet eliminated the Emotional Memories from those difficult years. Events that trigger memories of your childhood (pushy relatives, odd comments, etc.) will also trigger a return of those childhood feelings. I’d recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory as it contains strategies/techniques for managing Emotional Memories. It’s also very possible that your stress level has increased over the past months. When this happens, we are more susceptible to these intrusive emotional memories as our emotional control weakens.

Regarding mental health treatment on a budget, you can develop your own treatment plan such as:

- Read and research areas creating problems such as Personality Disorders, Depression, Stress, etc. Most article have suggestions and recommendations.
- Maintain a program of good eating, nutrition and exercise as these areas are important in maintaining the body and brain’s stability.
- Look for treatment resources already available. Family physicians and OB/GYNs can often provide antidepressant medication if needed, without the cost of an additional medical consultation.
- Search the Internet for discussion groups in your area of concern. Thousands of such groups are available on topics such as toxic parents and relationships, depression, etc. Participating in these discussions can be very helpful as long as we remember that it’s a peer discussion, not professional advice.
- Identify support programs in the community. Some churches offer free counseling services. Large unversities often have counseling clinics that provide experience to their students.
- Identify resources that may have a “sliding scale” — a fee based on your individual ability to pay.
- Be an efficient Internet searcher. Google searches with + indicators, for example, allow us to narrow our search. When we enter depression +treatment +psychologist +ohio, we narrow our search to Ohio Psychologists who treat depression. Entering depression +"discussion group" finds group/peer discussions on depression.
- Identify the professional treatment path and follow it. Don’t be distracted by Internet sites that suggest miracle cures, “natural” cures for psychiatric conditions, etc.

You can improve your situation using Emotional Memory techniques and the above recommendations.